OUTLANDER FRIENDSHIP TEST: be aware of who you befriend!

OUTLANDER FRIENDSHIP TEST

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

LINK THIS 3-PART TEST TO ANY POTENTIAL 'FRIEND' AND IF THEY CAN PASS IT, PROOF OF THEIR BEING OUTLANDERNATED WILL BE CONFIRMED.

*if they fail, you may want to reconsider spending your time with them. I mean really, what would you talk about?

PART 1

3 BASIC MUST-KNOW QUESTIONS

1) WHO IS JAMIE?

a) a stable boy

b) a warrior Scotsman

c) a whorehouse bouncer

2) WHO IS CLAIRE?

a) a dockside harlot

b) a beautician

c) a Time Traveling doctor 

3) WHAT IS A LEGHAIR?

a) a stubbly leg infestation

b) a spoiled brat

c) the reason Claire almost got burned as a witch.

_____________

PART 2

FINISH THIS SENTENCE:

DIANA GABALDON IS A....

a) wife 

b) writer

c) mother

d) doctor

e) creative genius

f) gravelly voiced sex goddess

g) all of the above

_______________

PART 3

VISUAL RESPONSES

LOOK AT THE FOLLOWING PHOTOS AND CHOOSE AN APPROPRIATE ANSWER:

1) a) Ah! True love!

    b) I may vomit.

________________________________________________

2) a) Family ties bind are sacred and their devotion is inspiring.

    b) Dougal should invest in armour. 

                               ____________________________________________________

3) a) That necklace stole the scene!

    b) Murtagh sure loved her lovely swans!

                                ___________________________________________________

4) a) There was no better wig maker in all of France or the world!

    b) He was heads above the rest!

5) a) This scene after Jaime's cousin's wedding was sweet.

    b) His boots were made for more than walking.  

                                ___________________________________________________

6) a) The ladies traditionally gather every weekend to wash the church curtains.

    b) The ladies sure know how to pound the piss out of their laundry!

7) a) Look how green that foliage is! Lovely!

    b) *begin singing* "He's got the whole world, in his hands, he's got the whole wide world, in his hands..." *begin spontaneous multiple orgasms*

                               ____________________________________________________

8) a) Being a wife and mother was all she ever wanted.

    b) She should have a sign tattooed above her vagina that says 'Enter At Your Own Risk".

________________________________________________________

9) a) They could not believe the size of King Louis's penis on his braggadocios statue atop the Palace staircase!

    b) 'Seeing red' does not always mean one is angry...

____________________________________________________

10) a) The scene where Black Jack travels to 1948 and lands in a Macey's.

      b) His wife gets 'stoned' and HE ends up in the police station!

                           _________________________________________________________

11)  a) Waking up after dreaming she had been ridden harder than a rodeo bull on steroids by a redheaded virginal Scotsman.

       b) Waking up STILL wearing her belt and watch.

                         _________________________________________________________

12) a) A local nun trying out for The Von Trapp Family Singers.

      b) A healer who has a special friend with a nose for trouble.

____________________________________________________________

13) a) Claire finds a mole shaped like Australia, if Australia wore combat boots.

      b) Claire discovers that she likes kilts. And the steaming hot  hunks of manflesh that wear them.

_________________________________________________________

14) a) Claire's necklace was made from the bone of a white whale.

      b) This trinket is so beautiful...its to DIE for!

                           _______________________________________________________

15) a) Sam and Cait get together with Cait's parents for a fun evening.

      b) A crazy but happy Outlander family.

          

SCORE:

IF THE SCORE HIGHER THAN 100%, THEN YOU CAN SAFELY ACCEPT YOUR NEW OUTLANDER FRIEND.

IF THE SCORE IS ANY LOWER, YOU CAN ADVISE THIS PERSON TO READ/WATCH OUTLANDER AND COME BACK TO TRY AGAIN. 

AND TO BRING WHISKEY.

_________________________________________________________

THE 10 LEAKED OUTLANDER S3 VIDEO TAPES (DELETED SCENES): The Not-so-subtle Aging of Jamie & Claire!

The newly leaked 'THE MAKING OF S3: GEEZERLANDER' tapes are going viral and we have a copy! THESE ARE THE DELETED SCENES FROM VARIOUS EPISODES THAT RON WAS OBVIOULSY EXPERIMENTING WITH...
*NOTE: Starz has countered this massive leak by posting them willy nilly all over YouTube, labeling them nonsense things like 'Elderly Couple Do Magic Tricks' or whatever just to throw people off, and they say it isn't Outlander at all...but WE know BETTER! 

You'll see Sam and Caitriona undergo amazing make-up applications that took hours to perfect, and body-shaping prosthetics were brilliantly manipulated to make them look natural and OH SO REAL! You will see them look quite different from tape to tape but this is only due to their experimenting with different looks/ages etc...

And even though it will be hard to believe, I swear on the grave of my uncle's brother's sister's chiropractor's first cousin that these are authentic. But to be certain, I asked Diana to meet me for lunch and while we ate our quesadillas in a yellow submarine underwater in the West Edmonton Mall with her husband, their 6 dogs and their lawyer Bernie, she verified the following as THE true leaked tapes...and she was glad her fans will see how Off-Book the scripts were with Jamie and Claire traveling through The Stones, etc..., and why she worked so hard with Bernie to have these scenes deleted!

Let's see what crazyass ideas Ron had...and how Jamie and Claire have wrestled Father Time in Season 3:

1) In their 60's, Jamie and Claire try something new after a dare from their grandkids. Yes, they wore Attends adult diapers: 

2) Jamie and Claire are 'discovered' and do a commercial. Jamie is still nervous around the 'magic of technology 'and fumbles his lines ...

3) They keep their great sense of humour with the WOOGIE BOOGIE MAGIC PENNY TRICK:

4) Jamie & Claire do the BOOGIE WOOGIE! They go through The Stones and Live in The Netherlands in this episode...or it could be Belgium. Or The Bronx.

5) Here we see Jamie and Claire entertaining the folks at a 'New Age Cèilidh' after years of making beautiful music together...

6) Bree and Roger give Jamie and Claire a computer for a gift; this is them trying to figure out how to use it:

7) Jamie driving:

8) Claire enters 'Britain's Got Talent' with her grandson Ian 'Nico' Murray VI (who is 6'9' tall, and that is why Claire looks short):
*NOTE: Jamie pops back stage after the show and boots Simon Cowell in the nutsack for condescendingly insulting his wife at the start of the show

 *Note: Attends were called for here as well...but for the judges and audiences, not Claire

9) Similar to#5, this is Claire and Jamie trying to send their great-grand son Avigdor Spartacus MacKenzie (their parents are huge fans of 'The Bird Cage') a birthday picture online:

10) And finally, Starz pretended to up make a commercial out of this Geezerlander scene...but like I said before...WE know better:

SO? Whadyathink?

I thought they overdid the lipstick now and then but otherwise, my favorite look was this last one at the end... so J&C. How about you? Hope you enjoyed this contraband collection of tapes and please...keep it quiet! I don't want to get into trouble for showing you these. Thanks.

OUTLANDER SEASON 3: 5 SURPRISE FACTS THAT DIANA DOES NOT WANT YOU TO KNOW!

Diana Gabaldon is not only a brilliant author, popular speaker and lover of kilts, she is also a sharp-minded businesswoman.

She KNOWS what sells, what doesn't, what hurts a business and what shoots it to the Starz. The following 5, never seen before pictures and revelations, are proof of her business savvy, how she protects her franchise and why she needs wine. Lots of wine. I'm talking a CLAIRE-LIKE need for the happy juice!

What you will read next will boggle your mind, shock you to the core and make you question your religion ... but I swear it is as real as any report of Elvis being seen riding a mongoose in a WalMart. Cross my heart.


1) STARZ DEMANDED THAT THE CAST AID IN THE MAKE-UP DEPARTMENT'S JOB OF AGING THEM FOR SEASON 3 (AND ONWARD), BY FORCING THEM TO GAIN WEIGHT, AS ONE TENDS TO DO WHILST AGING....(like I sure in the hell did *sigh*)

Diana, however, upon returning from Brazil (click here to read about THAT scandal!) make a spot-on assessment of the situation and convinced Ron that although they were all still handsome/beautiful people and that Jamie's chubby knees were still porn-able, the physiques didn't quite match their book counterparts, and everyone should return to the Pre-McDonalds era shape a.s.a.p.... and just give them some wrinkles and grey streaks. I think it was a good call. (sorry for any offense given, but I figure as long as my ass doesn't fit into a dental chair and it needs an extra engine brought in to go up, I can joke and tease all I want. *grin*)

*You will then see the main characters remain youthfully slim with Crypt Keeper faces further down the road...

2) DIANA BOUGHT MAJORITY STOCKS IN 2 COMPANIES PRE-SEASON 3

A) WHITE GLOVES:

It is expected that white gloves sales will skyrocket after this episode, which we see here in a picture taken on set during a break in filming, where we see Caitriona and Tobias applaud Diana's unveiling her new online shop 'GLOVELANDER'. To order, call 1-800-CLAIRE-PAIR.

B) BLACK HALF-RIM VINTAGE GLASSES:

Jamie may have exploded ovaries worldwide, but Frank will make them weep with wanting when the female Outlander Fandom sees him in FULL ON HOT PROFESSOR MODE! Move over sexy-secretary-stripper-in-pencil-skirts-and-black-rimmed-glasses...the sexy-bespectacled-historian-who-is-calm-on-the-outside-but-a-wild-coitus-machine-on-the-inside 'look' has taken the spotlight! The picture above shows Frank and Claire in a moment of blissful happiness...and it is easy to see why. This is what Claire had to be thinking...

Diana was quick to seize the opportunity to make a smart business move and she bought up all these special types of men's glasses in the USA, Canada and the UK and opened an online shop called 'LENSLANDER'. To order your pair(s), call: 1-800-HOT-PROF-XXX

3) DIANA HANDCRAFTED A NEWBORN BABY DOLL WITH RED HAIR

Knowing that this womb-crunching, heart-melting scene where Brianna is born, might drive women to either hug their husbands to the point of breaking their ribs, or see them grabbing their teenagers out of their beds and squeezing them to their breast while wailing mournfully into the night, "NEVER LEAVE YOUR MAMA!"... Diana built a doll factory in Yuma, Michigan that she has dubbed 'DOLLANDER INC.' to manufacture the doll she created by hand over a glass of Merlot one breakfast, and the first baby doll out will be 'BabyBree' that is small enough to carry in your pocket for convenience, ready to snuggle at a moment's notice, but strong enough to handle the most crushing 'I Want Frank's Baby!' hug.

4) DIANA OWNS EVERY PUB THAT HOSTS OUTLANDER CHARITY NIGHTS

LONDON: JAN-FEB

PARIS: MARCH-APRIL

USA: MAY-JUNE

GLASGOW: JULY-AUG

GERMANY:SEPT-OCT

CANADA: NOV-DEC

If you looked in the dictionary under the phrase 'Charitable Soul', you would find Diana's picture (and one of a Salvation Army shoe repair shop in Uganda...but just ignore that) and the Chalk Billboards (above), found in streets in cities around the world are proof of it. 10's of millions of dollars are raised yearly, which Diana gives 100% to her charity MARK-ME-LANDERS ANONYMOUS, which provides free medicine and free psychiatric care (as well as funding self-help group events) to the myriad fans who suffered tragically from hearing 'Mark me' uttered every 3 seconds from Bonnie Prince Charlie in Season 2. It is headed by close confidant of Diana's named ...believe it or not... Marcus Mee of Groundstock, New Hampshire. Truth is stranger than fiction!

*The actors are under contract to attend these charity drives but do so willingly and happily.

5) DIANA STYMIED ALL OF RON MOORES EFFORTS TO HAVE THE CAST INVADED BY 'BODY SNATCHERS' AND FLOWN TO MARS, EVEN AFTER HE SHOT THE FIRST SEGMENT SCENES. THESE PICTURES WERE LEAKED FROM THE FAUCETS AT THE STARZ STUDIOS:

Let us pray:

Thank you Lord for being Kind

To Fans of this great Tale

You knew that this would Blow our Mind

This Dumb Ass Alien Fail.

Amen.

*oh...and thanks for Diana too.

DELAYLANDER: THE OUTRAGEOUS REASONS S3 WON'T START UNTIL SEPTEMBER 2017!

SEASON 3 OF OUTLANDER WON'T BE SHOWN UNTIL SEPTEMBER 2017! DELAYLANDER HAS BEGUN!

The words were like Geillis' nails gouging out the eyes of millions of shocked fans.

Oh, how wasted the tears and agony of those who'd lamented the distant April release. Now betrayed! April, now their dearly departed friend (a little Shakespeareanesque agnst *wink*)

BUT WHY?

Ear-splitting laments echoed throughout the fandom, reverberating off the rafters of broken hearts...gutting the Faithful.

After a LOT of stealth undercover work, bribery and MI6-like maneuvering worthy of Captain Frank Randall himself (my not-so-secret-crush)...I got the poop scoop on WHY the delay.

Don't shoot the messenger, but here are the outrageous reasons we have to wait:

1) CRUISE SHIPS STALKING THE CAST AND CREW

It didn't seem to matter where Ron Moore and Starz decided to shoot...the die-hard fans found them out. NO secret location was secret enough.

Paying up to $1,000.00 per night, hundreds of fans boarded 'OutCruises' ships and bellied up to the show filming sites like drunks to a free-beer bar, and not only gawked, screeched and took millions of illegal photos, a few escaped the confines of the fanships and snuck into the private dressing rooms of Sam, Cait, Tobias etc... when they were off taping scenes and tried on their underwear (sometimes cutting off bits for mementos). Too many interrupted takes and too many holey undies would set the crew off to another location.

It took 21 different locations to shoot this season, where only 4 had been allocated.

Victoria's Secret and Fruit of the Loom unmentionables were bulk-shipped in as well.

2) SAM LOST HIS VOICE FOR 5 MONTHS

A combination of yelling at OutCruise Fans to bring back his underwear as they scampered back to the fanships, plus a special scene where Jamie Fraser sings a robust aria from Doneztti's 'Daughter of the Regiment': 'Ah mes amis - Pour mon ame', set the scene for Sam to completely lose his voice. We could not obtain a recording of Sam singing, but here is Pavarotti with his much quieter rendition:

It was obviously the 3 High C's that did it for Sam, who, I hear, hit them clearer that the Maestro ever did. *jaw drops in awe and wonder*

Sam was reportedly so jealous of Caitriona's Boogie Oogie Bugle Boy (2:20 mark) singing stint, he insisted on a go at it himself, and chose a light piece the fans could tap their toe too. He calls it a Scottish ditty. We aren't sure why.

Sam recovered and we all look forward to the episode, now tilted "The Scottish Tenor".

3) BILL SHATNER CRASHED THE SHOW: MADE HIMSELF JAMIE'S SON

Touting himself as 'Outlander's William', Bill Shanter tried to get on the show by making himself William...Jamie's son. Quoted as saying 'Only a true William can PLAY a William. Age is all in the magic of acting...not a problem. I can do 17...hey, let go of my arm...put that taser down!"

Shatner and Sam Heughan are reportedly friendly...on Twitter...but the friendship was stretched to a thin wire after Sam saw this billboard near his condo in New York.

It was he who called authorities.

4)  CAITRIONA IS A NARCOLEPTIC

In a picture leaked by concerned cast mates, we have learned that Cait's narcolepsy has increased to the point where she can only act for 2 hours a day. This delayed production.

A lot.

Cait on set with an extra who is a narco as well 

More pictures of proof have flowed into my office, but I don't feel comfortable showing you them as Cait usually sleeps in the nude. However, I do have shots of her pets:

Cait's cat: Yawnsy

Cait's dog: Snoozer

Cait's ostrich: Lady Apnea

5)  SAM SHAVED HIS HEAD

While on hiatus, Sam and some old school buddies got drunk, got matching tattoos (cant say where *snicker*) and all three of them had their heads shaved by a 4th buddy. Here is the picture Sam took of his mates after the deed was done:

...and here is Sam with the Starz make-up team's attempt to glue some fake hair down as a base for a red wig...arrows point to Special Glue Pins:

Note the orange/brown 'tan' Sam got from passing out under a heat lamp at Giuseppe's Diner. They will have to write that into the script.

6) THEY COULDN'T FIND DIANA

There are few available details to this story but suffice it to say there were 4 mitigating factors:

1) Stress

2) Tequila

3) A trip to Brazil

4) Did I mention Tequila?

Diana WAS finally found having a hell of a time (see picture below) and her husband and Herself came back to Scotland a little more relaxed and a lot more flexible.

7) CAITRIONA BECAME ADDICTED: TO WHITE FUDGE

They couldn't keep enough of it on set. 2 bags a week was a slow week for Cait...and the show came to a FULL stop if she ran out.

Here we see Cait during a break...white fudge in hand. Notice the scoop... and the almost mad protective look of defiance in her focused stare, challenging anyone to get between her and her stash. And yes...her dress at the '69th Annual Cannes Film Festival' was indeed made up of White Fudge Wrappers. NOT a surprise once you know her weakness.

8) TOBIAS SINGLE-HANDEDLY INCAPACITATED EVERY FEMALE ON THE SET

Unaware of the power Tobias Menzies has over women, Ron Moore innocently wrote a touching scene (shown above) where Claire gives birth to Brianna and a besotted Frank becomes a twitterpated mass of smittenhood and his utter and completely believable performance caused women to either spontaneously orgasm or lactate. One woman soaked her entire sweater and hadn't even had children yet. One was a virgin...but wasn't sure anymore. And another was so completely sexually satisfied every day that her husband came down to the set with a shotgun demanding to see 'that Frank dude' so he could make sure his wife was telling the truth that they'd never even touched! After several days worth of takes with little change, the set was ultimately closed to just the actors and 1 male cameraman who was immune to Tobias's charms (although he did admit to a half-woody and few tears).

The delay here is that Ron and co. must re-write the script to ensure Tobias doesn't cause such havoc again. It is taking longer than expected.

**

You may take this article as gospel, or you can SING gospel...but only one will show the world how well-adjusted you are. 

*grin*