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*MY eBOOKS CAN BE FOUND ON AMAZON HERE: DENISE ON AMAZON
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*My old monthly column : The Lighter Side of Self Publishing

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I AM PARCA'S CHOSEN:
Parca is the Roman Goddess of Childbirth and Destiny and after you get to know me, you will see why I believe she has, without doubt, made me her Poster Child. Most of my posts are satire with the odd parody tossed in....spattered with truisms and colloquialisms, witticisms, spasms and occasional orgasms. *Sorry. I like '...sms' words

Monday, April 27, 2015

OUTLANDER 112: DR. BLACK JACK DDS AND HIS ROOT (of all evil)


Black Jack Randall is a dentist.

And that explains a LOT.
  
The most reviled character since Voldemort has been hiding his white lab coat under his British Red Coat.

  
This is no wild accusation of a wine-soaked, middle-aged woman who was once married to a dentist and sees juxtapositions of her ex in every nasty character on the screen, painting them all with one bitter brush. In fact, in the spirit avoiding an ugly lawsuit, I will offer a disclaimer that my thoughts on this post are in any way connected to my ex. *I don’t want him to get a penny back from what my amazing lawyer settled for me. My opinions are generalized and point to no one person. Promise; cross my fingers; pinky swear. 

You see…I know a dentist when I see one. I was a dental assistant for over 5 years and a dentist’s wife who helped run the practice (and socialized with them) for 14 years so I can say with confidence that I am qualified to speak with some authority on the subject.

Like a Beauty Pageant contestant with a Class II Div I Malocclusion, I can spot a dentist in a crowd from a mile away.


Like the teeth above, dentists stand out. They cannot hide from me. Even if they are in a television set. I can smell the pungency of their v̶i̶c̶t̶i̶m̶'̶s̶ patients' fears radiate from their every pore. 

The unmistakeable aura of the Type A personality practically vibrated off of Jack Randall in this episode but it wasn’t until he took Jenny upstairs for her unwanted body cavity invasion (read: dental examine) did it hit me what his inner demon really was: A DDS a.k.a. Doctor of Dental Surgery or, as what readily comes to mind when thinking of BJR, a Demented Dick Squeezer. *he WAS doing a lot of dick squeezing in 112

Most people saw BJR’s finger, filthy with the innocent blood of her beaten and broken brother, probe Jenny’s mouth in a grotesque, sadistic kind of sexual foreplay, but I saw it as an exam. Here...let me show you:

                                            Open wide....
                                         ... checking the bite...oral tissue exam...
                                                    ...a diastema? Gum disease?

Looks pretty obvious once you know what to look for, right? I told you. 

A narcissistic sadist of wealth and position that is hated and feared, and has access to torture devices...and who is in charge and must be obeyed. BJR or a dentist? 

Exactly.
 

As a DA who has assisted dental surgeries on trauma victims from car accidents, I had to question the believability of the CTTF (Club To The Face) scene. True, said club was only a candle stick, but it was a mighty hefty one that looked big and solid enough to be used as Ian’s spare peg leg…




…and it should have, at the very least, left a wee mark on Dr. Black Jack’s face after such a pounding or given him a TMJ (TMD) problem




As it was, it looked like he is also an ancestor of The Thing of Marvel Comics Fantastic Four fame...




Not a single bump or a chip off the old noggin. No blood. Nada. And he acted like he never even felt it. Impressive? Or Novocaine.

Exactly.


I confess to not being up on the common dental practices in 1700 Scotland, but I wager that patients then, as now, regard their being taken to their dental chair, or out of it, much like the picture below. Or at least how it felt they were treated when they said they couldn’t pay.




That brings us to the root of all evil, the evil root. 

I have named Dr. Black Jack's penis Lil’ Nessie because it reminds me of another lizard-like creature in Scotland that is shy to rise in front of people and commands a wondrous worldwide fascination with its very existence. (#Penisgate) Big Nessie may be a long, green mysterious creature but Lil’ Nessie seems a fine, stocky pink fella with one eye for both the lads and lassies…in a 50 Shades of Flay, sadomasochistic kind of way. *I was going to say The Cock Ness Monster but thought it a little on the nose




Bypassing the obvious quips about avoiding a painful root c̶a̶r̶n̶a̶l̶  canal, and filling and drilling etc... I will say that BJR proves correct the stats that reveal dentistry as the profession having the highest rate of suicide, divorce and alcoholism. Dr. Black Jack has driven men to suicide, is divorced from all human emotions…




… and loves his S̶c̶o̶t̶s̶ Scotch.

And finally, yes...it is true. BJR has a very bad case of *gingervitis.
*Bragging rights to those who get this joke in relation to Outlander



**BONUS PICTURE**
Do you think the original Starz poster would have given too much away?



Sunday, April 19, 2015

OUTLANDER EPISODE 11: SAMURMURATION and 10 OBSERVATIONS of uncommon depth and perception


The birth of a word.


It is never a small thing.


Those of us who already knew what murmuration was, were ever so pleased to see/hear it start off Ep11. It is a mesmerizing phenomenon of nature, not unlike the word it birthed ‘Samumuration’. 
                               #Samurmuration...yes, it has been hashtagged on Twitter.

It came to mind when I thought of the modern, and equally mesmerizing phenomenon of how Sam’s fans looked, to one who has the luxury of being madly in love with TVFrank and not TVJamie, and observing from the outside, looking in.


Not that I am judging or blaming them, mind you. I am not one to cast stones…as you can see here in this gif of me and Sean Bean *I am the short, round gray one):
 

Episode 11 has the distinction of being the first episode that I simply cannot criticize with any honest enthusiasm, so I compiled a list to offer you instead:
  
TEN Episode11 OBSERVATIONS OF UNCOMMON DEPTH AND PERCEPTION*
 *There will be no mention of Laoghaire (a.k.a. LegHair). She is dead to me.
 
1) If you want great hair, spend a night in a cold, dank underground prison of rocks and rats, with no bed and zero toiletries. Out of all the hair-dos Claire has worn, her Docket Do is my favorite thus far. She looks bloody fabulous. If I ever open a beauty salon I am calling it The Thieves’ Hole. Ishityounot.

2) If you hire a housekeeper, check her résumé closely to make sure she isn’t an descendant of Atticus Finch or Perry Mason. Whateverthefuckhernameis stood in court for an entire hour pleading her case and didn’t even have notes! I had a housekeeper when my kids were young and it never occurred to me to have her sign a non-disclosure contract and become blood sisters with her to keep my secrets safe. Lesson learned. *I hope she doesn’t watch the show and get ideas….



3) I bet the Monty Python gang got a kick out of the witch trials…


…because of this: BURN THE WITCH!


It was hard not to laugh and lose focus actually, so I paused it, had a good chuckle, and then re-watched the trial where the great acting of Claire, Geillis and Ned brought me back to 'reality'.
  
4) I want Ned Gowan as my lawyer but not because he is a badass who isn’t afraid to bring out Masters Smith and Wesson to help him win an argument, but because the man ROCKS a lace tie like no other.
 

I could help him get used to modern legal practices:


5) We see a wonderful example of Natural Selection at work: the people ducking to get out of the line of fire when Ned waves his gun around will procreate and have their gene pool walk the earth as long as the sun rises and the oceans are wet. The woman just behind them, the nonchalant one who seems alarmingly unconcerned with her sudden exposure to bullets, is destined to have a line that becomes fertilizer. Soon.



6) Geillis. I am too lazy to Google when BBQ's were invented (the word, I mean) but this did come to mind:


**NOTE: Lotte Verbeek (Geillis) answered my tweet about this meme! here it is...'#Yum?'. LOL!

 *my other 'generated meme' has become quite popular too, even though I spelled her name wrong 
*giggle*

7) Every show needs a Voldemort-look-a-like asshole. It may become a mandatory movie/cable show law. 


 8) Speaking of Hogwarts, the Mark of the Devil looked a little suspect but that could just be my TV:

9) Sorry. It was the first thing I saw. Blame too much Cape Ruby. Or not enough?



10) If any man wants to get his wife to do something but doesn’t want to come out and demand it, Jamie has shown you the way fellas. A surprise FingerJob and a sincere ‘It’s Your Choice My Love’ will make you a winner EVERY time...
                                                      
                                                       *click to enlarge

I could make more keen and insightful observations but I have the sudden urge to go speak to my husband...

...about my...um...credit cards.