________________________________ I AM PARCA'S CHOSEN: Parca is the Roman Goddess of Childbirth and Destiny and after you get to know me, you will see why I believe she has, without doubt, made me her Poster Child. Most of my posts are satire with the odd parody tossed in....spattered with truisms and colloquialisms, witticisms, spasms and occasional orgasms. *Sorry. I like '...sms' words
was a gut-wrenching, heart-shredding, make-your-eyeballs-bleed kind of episode
that prisons now use for punishment instead of the death penalty, but all I
could think of was how many companies could have used it for their advertising.
It was a Cornucopia of Commercials. A Plethora of Product Placement
opportunities. A Sponsorship MotherShip. *okay, I’ll stop now but you KNOW you
are trying to think of more…
viewers. A massive audience of varied demographics, most of which are adults
with the means to purchase these products. *this ain’t no kiddie show where 5-13
years olds are the main audience and Lego and Play Doh are schlepped
real life retailers came to mind? Here are my Top 30.*if you are easily offended, politically
correct or prone to clutching your pearl necklace before fainting on your Fainting Couch, it would a good time to stop reading now and go save a puppy or pick
flowers or something…anything but see this very rude collection of insensitive
ads. Off you go now...RUN!!
Okay.The rest of you can stay.
TOP 30 ADS FROM S1E15 OUTLANDER: WENTWORTH *click to enlarge
YES, THE NEXT THREE ARE A REAL COMPANY TOO: JACK BLACK SKIN CARE* Ishityounot
Can a cable TV series be considered fan fiction? I was under the impression that 'fanfic' (fiction about
characters or settings from an original work of fiction) was only for the
written word, but I was wrong. After trying to understand why I was so unhappy
with how Ron Moore and his stable of writers were adapting Outlander on Starz it hit me like a candlestick to BJR’s head: they were
It was an epiphany!
My apologies to Diana Gabaldon, who has clearly stated that she hates
fanfic but is an adviser to the show *yes, she advises but has said she has NO
control…much like the thousands of women with raging hormones who screamed like the front row at a Beatles' concert at the sight of Jamie’s hand full of penis in the pond scene. She will
obviously disagree with me but maybe, just maybe, she does agree deep down inside,
where she secretly sticks pins in her Voofoo Ron Doll *which is just a modified Barry Gibb doll
from the BeeGees Collection...in a kilt.
It all makes sense now. And with that new understanding, I
can appreciate the changes and A-D-A-P-T-A-T-I-O-N (when frustrated with every
else’s obvious stupidity for not thinking like you, capitalize and hyphenate) and not resent them.
I am very grateful for the revelation. In trusting that Starz would retain the story’s soul, I had felt irrevocably betrayed. As many have so rightly pointed out, the books are
massive and cannot logically be expected to be reproduced verbatim on film.
Impossible. So, all one could reasonably hope for was to have a condensed version that kept the heart, and character’s personalities, intact.
And that is where it lost me.
Sure, time constraints and
budgets take their toll, but what reason could there be for changing the
characters so much that they were unrecognizable? We fans can forgive a lot of cutting, twisting and
melding as long as the main characters remain consistent and true with their book counterparts.
Let me use Harry Potter for an example: in the books,
I love Harry and Dumbledore but hate Voldemort and Peter Pettigrew. When I saw
the movies, a lot was changed (JK Rowling, like our beloved Diana Gabaldon types
titanic tomes), but after I watched the shows I still loved Harry and Dumbledore and I still hated Voldemort
and Peter Pettigrew. In the Outlander books, I LOVE Jamie, admire Claire and
am indifferent to Frank....but with the Starz adaptation, I am indifferent to
Jamie, dislike Claire and LOVE Frank. *see my piece Franklander for more details on that!
Ya see where I’m heading here?
Some things you simply cannot change or the adaptation becomes
I bowed out of the show’s audience, unfinished
popcorn left on the seat, with mounds of Kleenex, soggy with tears of disappointment
littering the floor. The loss of Jamie&Claire on the screen after
waiting for so many years weighed heavy on my heart but I consoled myself with
knowing that all was AOK in my shrine of Outlander books on my
special shelf. They were safe there (but only because I
moved my Game of Thrones collection to another room…goddamn GRRM kills anything
within his reach!)
*NOTE: GoT is an example of a great adaptation. Yes,
HBO has changed a LOT in the story (fat ass books that match
JK and Diana’s in poundage; loved them all) and pissed off many a fan but seriously, for me, if I can
still hate that little prick Joffrey, love Ned and Tyrion, despise Tywin and
Little Finger, feel hopeful for sweet Jon and fear for Arya and Sanza (and
I do) then the story is still true to its roots. Bravo David Benioff and DB Weiss!
SO, with wizened eyes, I dusted off my remote and watched
Episodes 13 and 14 last night. My new-found insight into FanficJamie and
FanficClaire shed a bright light on the entire series and I loved them! Gone
were my needy, annoying desires for a book-similar character portrayals and
within-a-mile story connection!
I even (almost, sorta, kinda) enjoyed Claire's Vaudeville Act and instead of throwing a chair at the TV because of any protectiveness I felt towards the Andrew Sisters legacy...
....I simply thought 'fanfic' and all was well again in the world.
Here is a partial list of Ron's characters in his story:
Claire, a beautiful,
tall slender Army nurse from 1945 who has the small perky breasts and wee sexy
bum of a Victoria’s Secret Underwear Model and has a penchant for having any man she agrees to marry (3 so far)
munching on her cheesecake, comes to Scotland on Re-Honeymoon with her husband
*courtesy of Pragheza
Claire somehow falls through time whilst picking flowers at
a Stonehenge-y kind of place and ends up in 1743 where she ends up saving and
marrying a 23 year old virgin highlander named Jamie (whom she teaches that
fucking doesn’t need to include a saddle and a feeding bag tied to ones ears)
despite that fact that back in 1945, the OTHER man she loves and had crazygoodneverstopsex
with is devastated and shattered to an emotional pulp.
Frank is a
decent and handsome man with a fondness for cheesecake, who spent years in
some mysterious MI6 spy-corner of the War Office but is
thoughtful, loving, protective and MADLY in love with his wife. He fights to save Claire and refuses to believe she has betrayed him (but she did) and is inevitably crushed to the aforementioned pulp.
Jamie is a good lad who eagerly engages in as
much sex as possible with the enthusiasm of a kid with a new toy. He wants to
be a grown up man, but acts like he is 15 most of the time and is browbeaten
fairly regularly by his new wife, who teaches him that make-up sex requires a
knife to the throat and tweezers for wood splinters on ones back.
A few secondary characters:
loves and wishes dead his wife (like most husbands) and becomes famous for his
love of corn.
Murtagh is a tragic hero who has heart-wrenching hidden depths to
his character that are crushed like a boot to the head as his hidden
dancing ‘talents’ see daylight.
and Angus: two sidekicks who add hilarity to the show, like an 18thCentury Abbott and Costello…until they turn into two chickenshit jerks who are too scared to save their friend Jamie from torture and death...
...at the hands of
the Grand Poobah of All Psychotic Bastards, Black Jack Randall *who remains
curiously untouched by Ron’s imagination and remains as hated and vile in his
fanfic as the original story.
(aka Laoghaire) is a malicious, devious love starved teenager, obsessed
with Jamie, who plans on killing Claire somehow so she can get her claws on him (after
all, he DID play with her boobs by the lake and had to think hard about no cheating
on his wife. A green light if ever there was one!)
is an evil priest who can’t stay out of a scene and milks every minute he can get. I believe he will be reincarnated in the future as Benny Hinn.
I Saw Geillis
Fly Guy: an 'added character' because DG’s books don’t have enough bloody characters.
Do you see anything 'Outlandery' from the books in that list?
No? Exactly! That I what makes fanfic so wonderful! It’s so…familferent*! (*both familiar
and different at the same time...and yes, I can make up words if I like
And speaking of 'made up', anything goes with fanfic! We could see purple monkeys riding skateboards alongside the stampeding cows at Wentworth next week and it would fine. In fact, I am curious as hell to see what hijinks that spunky Claire comes up with in lieu of the wolf scene that I hear was cut when Ron wanted the wolves to dress like the Cartwrights on Bonanza and they refused then quit.
Ah well. I think it was a genius idea. WTF do wolves know anyway? The much awaited/dreaded Wentworth Torture/Rape episode (15) is next but I am not worried. With the freedom from story logic that fanfic allows, we just may end up with BJR and Jamie co-joined permanently and forced to join a roving band of circus performers, ultimately becoming their main attraction: 'The Amazing BJR: Black Jamie Randall! *if Starz needs more writers, I am obviously interested:
Here's a quicky reference chart I made:
click/tap (ctrl) and the plus sign( +) together to enlarge:
So, bottom line, the old complaints that called Outlander
'Ronlander' are quiet unfounded and the series must be viewed as the Ultimate Fanfic to 'get it'. *or if you listen to Ron's Podcasts because he is also a trendsetter: all books in the future may require producer/director monologues to be fully understood.
I have re-heated my popcorn, swept the littered floor and am sitting back to enjoy the best damn FANAPTATION of a book on
television today! #Fanaptation!