WHY THIS BLOG?

I AM PARCA'S CHOSEN:
Parca is the Roman Goddess of Childbirth and Destiny and after you get to know me, you will see why I believe she has, without doubt, made me her Poster Child. I deal with the odd serious issue but for the most part, my posts are just some cheeky fun, reviews of favorite shows, and true stories that will make you laugh out loud (or run screaming...I don't know you well enough to predict your behavior). You'll find satire with the odd parody tossed in....and definitely a heaping helping of hyperbole.

I am Canadian so expect a bit of politeness too. Sorry.

_________________________________________
1) MY eBOOKS CAN BE FOUND ON AMAZON HERE:
DENISE ON AMAZON
2) MY eBook Trailers are on YOUTUBE
3) My website:denisesevierfries.com
4) My Photo-Art Youtube Trailer is here too.

5) My old monthly column: The Lighter Side of Self Publishing
6) Outlander Series Facebook forum: the popular book/tv series group I moderate is The BEST and BIGGEST! Over 57,000+ members! Come join us! *click on bold red words

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

OUTLANDER: THE REAL REASON #SHARKLANDER IS GOING TO HAPPEN



OUTLANDER has become shark bait. 

If ‘shark bait’ means fodder for Armageddon.

Diana Gabaldon’s casual pseudo-announcement of the earth-shattering changes to her books’ adaptations on Starz has caused a ripple in the Cosmos unrivaled in recent literary/cable television history. A ripple so widely felt and feared that The F̶a̶n̶d̶u̶m̶b̶  Fandom has battened down the hatches and cleared the decks (read: stocked up on wine, tissues and chocolate).

Their world was rocked. And not in the good way.

To be exact, Diana (the author of the phenomenal books of the Outlander Series *for those who stumbled on to this post in foggy haze of soon-to-be-legal marijuana looking for pictures of sharks {sorry to disappoint}) made a comment on an online forum she frequents called Compuserve and mentioned, in passing, that there would be some upcoming changes and may, or may not have, used the Happy Days Term 'Jump The Shark'. The media got hold of it and well...let's just say I am not the only person with an over-active hyperbole gene:
I am not privy to the exact wording of the online comment but after searching online for approximately 4 seconds, I decided that she said something like this: “In upcoming episodes, Starz is making Jamie blonde with a fake beauty mark that travels around his face from scene to scene. It will fun to guess where it turns up next, and it’ll help the ratings…”


This of course, caused a meltdown of epic proportions, because we ALL know wandering beauty marks is hardly original (ever watch Men in Tights?) and ‘changes’ really means: complete story-line destruction and sniper-like character annihilation! Sorta. Well, not really...whatever. Anyway...
 *click to enlarge all pics
*is this the REAL meaning behind the dreaded 'mark me' term? *gag*

The 'announcement' *cough cough* had fans running at breakneck speed to their Photoshop apps:
meme courtesy of Melissa Wagner
 
Doctor Gabaldon was quick to try and calm our Collective Fear (the name of a new punk rock band in England, by the way, made up four Outlander fans who stopped watching the show after Claire sang 'Boogie Oogie Bugle Boy') and posted this recantation within hours of the explosion of #Sharklander:*sorry if it blurry...I think she was crying when she wrote it



After another 4 seconds of intense research, I uncovered the bitter truth of what is REALLY going to change in an upcoming episode (probably 7, as the theme song for that episode is the theme music to JAWS)…. and it isn’t anything 'Jamie':


The shark jump is…FRANK TRAVELS THROUGH TIME TO RESCUE AND FIGHT FOR CLAIRE!


Tobias Menzies’ portrayal of Frank Randall (boring and rather inattentive in the books, but on the show is The King of Husbands with a sensual voice that sounds like a heated Rémy Martin Black Pearl Louis XIII Cognac, if a Rémy Martin Black Pearl Louis XIII Cognac could talk) has catapulted him to the top of *MAW’s wet dreams worldwide. (*Middle Aged Women). He has become such a hot commodity that Starz producers decided to re-write the books to allow Frank to Time Travel through the Stones at Craigh Na Dun

A brilliant academic and a Professor of History, Frank discovers what really happened to Claire and understands the dangers she must be facing. He goes flippyapeshit with his need to rescue her and finally uncovers an ancient hidden recipe for passing through Time, found in an old battered cookbook of Mrs. Graham (it was penciled in right under Wee Scotch Pies...so yummy...) and finds a way to get to Claire in the 1700's: "Crushed diamonds or rubies, ingested with 2 cloves of garlic, half a cup of raw haggis and 8 cans of Fresca on Halloween night between 6:45 p.m. and 7:08 p.m; this will allow Men-Only to pass through the Stones to another era but, and this is crucial, they must be wearing an apron and curlers in their hair and have their penises tucked well out of sight in a sock puppet of Lambchop." *note: the addition of Fresca to the script was controversial as it isn't really known if it is really that ancient...
Lambchop


I am not sure why Lambchop was used in the story but I have already purchased stocks on the company that makes them, so I don't really care.

Not much else is revealed in this surprising stray from the book except to say that Frank will eventually be sent back to 1945 by Geillis under a Forget All This Shit Spell and will have been gone only 6 days, which nobody notices except Rev Wakefield who assumes Frank is either working undercover for the still-functioning but Top Secret MI6 Spy Agency, or drinking himself silly in a string of bars. He is baffled however, when he finds Frank semi-conscious in the back alley of The Pubic Penguin Pub, wearing only a potato sack apron, 2 rudimentary hair rollers and a sock puppet made of lambswool over his penis.

***JUICY TIDBIT!!
The meeting of Black Jack Randall and Frank, his 20th Century kith & kin, is a real mind-blowing heart-stopper...



*My apologies to anyone who believes any of the above and suffered any form of distress. Let me buy you a drink sometime...perhaps after you are released from that place in One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

OUTLANDER S2 E3: 8 SHOCKING THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT ‘BOUTON’ *DOGGY DIVA*




One would think a sweet little dog like Bouton would have no secrets.

Think again.

1) BOUTON COMES FROM A FAMOUS ACTING FAMILY OF HOLLYWOOD ROYALTY

Bouton (real name Osgood Thormwell Cavanaugh VIII), is the great-great-great grandson of the famous Osgood Whitney Cavanaugh VII (stage-name Ol’ Dodger) who gained fame and fortune as Humphrey Bogart's dog in 'Casablanca'…*click all pics to enlarge
 …and is the great-great-grandson of Osgood Stockton Cavanaugh VI (stage-name Knickers) who stole the screen from Clark Gable in 'Gone with the Wind':
Add caption
Bouton’s wild-child great grandfather, the infamous Osgood Cromwell Cavanaugh V (stage–name Bruce) almost ruined the making of 'The Wizard of Oz' when he rusted out 3 sets of Tin Man costumes by peeing on them, chewed the tail off the costume of the Cowardly Lion and 2 pairs of Ruby Red shoes. He was a heavy drinker and regularly vomited in the Straw Man’s feet. 

He was kicked off the set but stayed in the Hollywood circle by mating with Ching Ling the poodle of studio mogul, Cecil B. Demille and producing a line of great dog actors, culminating with our very own Bouton.



2) BOUTON IS 3RD COUSIN ONCE REMOVED FROM THE MEGA CHILD DOGGY STAR B-I-N-G-0

 
On the outs since a mysterious pool party incident in Bouton’s Beverly Hills mansion, the cousins do not talk, but their agents are trying to settle details for their joint acting venture in what is rumored to be a classic thriller called 
H-Y-D-R-A-N-T.


3) BOUTON AUDITIONED FOR, AND WAS REJECTED FROM, 3 OTHER MAJOR PARTS BEFORE WINNING THIS ROLE


Jon Snow knew one thing: he didn’t want Bouton.


It is said the white spray paint they used for Bouton to play the white Direwolf 'Ghost', made actor Kit Harrington sneeze and break out in hives. Bouton was ousted shortly after filming began.


He tried to be the Chihuahua in the low budget film 'Vintage Vern And His Scottish Adventure' but was deemed too scary looking…


…and he took steroids and hired the iconic make-up artist Flo Snodgrass, Hollywood Legend and dog lover, to help him become Murphy McHarald, the buff, kilted Highland spy in the serial thriller 'Meaty Man Mysteries'…but was deemed TOO meaty:
Finally, he resorted to shameless and extreme cuteness and his kilt trick and hair extensions did the trick to secure he role of a lifetime on Outlander: 


*(which was fortuitous as he had already learned to speak with a Scottish accent for the Meaty Many Mysteries audition)


4) BOUTON IS A MUSIC GENIUS

Drawing from his years of cello playing in London, Bouton created, choreographed and organized the album of the century:  Dog Song: Music To Help Your Dog Go To Sleep:


It won the prestigious 'Best Schnauzer Snoozer' award 2 years running, making Bouton the hero of restless puppies everywhere. He also starred in and compiled the youtube hit 'Ultimate Funny Dogs Compilation' where he dressed in costume for every single dog in this clip…which is why he is called the Canine Eddie Murphy:




5) BOUTON IS A SOCIAL MEDIA HOUND

Kanye has had a twitter feud going on with Bouton for months:
 


You can find Bouton on the net here:





6) 4 FAMOUS ACTORS ARE HOPING TO PLAY BOUTON IN THE NEXT NOVEL ADAPTATION
Starz let leak the shocker that unlike the books by Diana Gabaldon, director Ron Moore is making Bouton come to life as a real man after lapping up the urine (following Claire's example) of a drunk wizard who left a strip-poker party at Master Raymond's store late one night and peed on a lamp post. Bouton morphs into a new character called Benjamin Buttonhole who becomes Jamie’s right hand man as he can sniff out bullshit a mile away, and aids Jamie in knowing who to trust. He also tries to have quickie dog-sex with every leg he sees, much to the delight of Bonnie Prince Charles. *please vote for one of the above actor by dialing
 1-800-LEG-HUMP
**personally, I voted for Ewan!


7) HE IS A VICIOUS MANEATER
Seen here mauling the chest of his 4th prop, Bouton left 2 extras (human) in hospital before Starz decided to use lifelike mannequins in the hospital scene.*No word about possible fatalities due to a recent gag order by the Courts. Claire and Mother Hildegarde had to be CGI’d into the shot as being too close to Bouton was too dangerous. 

Even though his propensity to lunge at throats is well known, producers needed an experienced and ‘cuddly’ dog for the role and chose to take a chance.

Bad choice.

Here he is, in a rabbit costume, in the deadly scene of the Bunny Killer in Monty Python’s 'Holy Grail':


 
8) HIS ON-SET SEX SCANDALS HAVE HALTED PRODUCTION SEVERAL TIMES

Bouton is one sexy mutt. And so says his Hot-Mama of the Moment 'The White Sow' (seen here in her audition profile pic)



…and Rollo:


Not just a shipping rumor, Bouton is said to prefer blondes which has the heartsick Rollo (played by transgender dog star 'Kitty Le'Roo') avoiding paparazzi and ducking in and out of therapy sessions with Talk Show Legend turned Dog Whisperer, Oprah Winfrey.
 
**
PLEASE NOTE: some or all of the above article may be the product of an especially spicy bowl of homemade chili and should be read with one's sense of humor in the ON position.

Sunday, April 17, 2016

S̶E̶S̶A̶M̶E̶ OUTLANDER STREET S2 Ep2: A G-RATED VERSION...sorta.


Let’s just get right to the Nipple Dress and get it out of the way.  This is how it would look on Outlander Street, with the proper birds:

(*and while we are there, how about that BJR shot in 
Season 1?sorry, couldn't resist *snicker*)
The opening scene to Se E2 should be replaced with cartoons…(*note to self: NEVER google 'cartoon sex gifs' again. Ever.)
            

...and then this...

 

Master Raymond is memorable and unique!
                            



The Brothel Scene would be tricky, but doable:        

                          

Oh...and this might have been going on in Murtagh's room 
(not judging, just putting it out there...)

The Red Dress!
 
  
And King Pooie...I mean Louie and his constipation issues would be more subtle:

            

 
Murtagh’s reaction to the Nipple Dress is funny…like he has never seen breasts before. So how about this instead?
    
  
The sword fight HAS to stay but let's soften it up a bit:
               

And finally, the HoneyPot Wax Job. 
We tried test-waxed the nether-regions of a number of cartoon characters and the reactions varied, but you can judge for yourself how it would play out on Outlander Street: 



 





 




 

 


 

*then there's Ursula *raises eyebrows*
 


THERE! Wouldn’t that better? Now the kids can run past and you don’t have to scream, “I TOLD YOU THIS IS MOMMY TIME! GO PLAY OUTSIDE!!” and you won’t need to tell your husband, who thinks you are a softpornhound, “I TOLD YOU THIS IS MY TIME! BUGGER OFF BEFORE I MAKE GEILLIS’S WIDOWMAKER STEW!!”

You’re welcome.