In light of the recent resurrection of the #Boobgate Affair, that I may or may not have helped inflame, I felt it incumbent upon myself to issue this warning to you directly:
You are in great danger.
I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I also bring you hope. And a plan of action. But first, let me explain things to you:
When you allowed LegHair, which is, by the way, the pseudo-phonetic nickname many of us use for Laoghaire, as most of us are snarky bitches when we have to share our Book Boyfriends with The Unworthy…but never mind that for now…where was I...right…when you allowed LegHair to place your married hand on her ample albino-like, goose-pimpled breast it caused an uproar in Fandomland, the likes that is reserved for more Bill ‘The Cos’ Cosby’s halo slipped and fell into the Grand Canyon of celebrity Scandaldom (which is amazing since Bill is...like...you know...real!)
How do I know of your impending doom? Well, like your wife, I am from the Future and I’m telling you son…Leghair is not done with you yet. You can trust me. I even made a Black Jack Randall Voodoo Doll so I could help slow the bastard down a notch and keep him off of you. I have your back kiddo.
So…what to do about LegHair’s plans to make you hers.
Well, you have proven yourself incapable of staving off the advances of the wee wretched wenchling on your own, so I have mined the experiences of some close, personal friends and their actions, reproduced here with the wonder of modern technology (let’s just call it Fairie Magic) which will give you the tools to protect yourself from LegHair the next time she corners you and offers you boobage to caress and perhaps other fleshy naughties to nibble.
Study these tried and true actions, memorize them, and you, my sweet man-child, will be safe from that manipulative manhandling menace.
THE LAOGHAIRE INITIATIVE
*a.k.a. 70 Ways To Leave Your LegHair (with my deepest apologies to Paul Simon)
How to react next time LegHair reaches out for you:
*click to enlarge
Feel free to save this correspondence to refer back to now and then so you can keep up your new Anti-LegHair Skills.
Much love and best wishes from a wizened old Canadian fan,
*PS: just a quick tip or two…stay away from lead lined hats and buy some property from a family named Clampett in the Ozarks in the USA. Again, just trust me. Do it.