OUTLANDER: EYE CANDY WARS

I haven’t been spanked in over 50 years.

No…I am not looking for one now (not my cuppa tea) but bloody hell, there is a tsunami of virtual Outlander spankings going on these days online and I for one am thoroughly sick of them. 

I will not link them here because all you have to do is swing a dead Adso around and you'll hit one.

Every time I turn around, some self-righteous twattle with her panties wedged up so high they look like a scarf, is telling other Outlander fans what to say and how to act, and calling them names like ‘the lowest common denominator’, ‘immature fools’, ‘indecent’, ‘tacky’ and a lot worse…like prim schoolmarms teaching elocution and Miss Manners classes. And all because a bunch of fans are having fun out there re-living their teenage years by crushing on Sam Heughan (the main male protagonist in the Starz production of Outlander, JUST in case you are reading this by mistake and thought it was an article on candy making or ophthalmology or something).

Blog flogs are reaching an all-time high and now rank right up there with Body Shaming (apparently that includes saying that Claire’s boobs looked like squashed kumquats in her wedding dress. Which they did.)

Yes…now we have Fan Shaming: making people feel like pond scum for being fangirl-silly about their celebrity crushes and talking in a naughty or sexy adult manner.

I confess. I am a wee bit naughty. 

I like seeing pictures of sexy men sometimes and it gives these cold, old bones a bit of warmth as I limp through my Golden Years. Yes, my darling husband warms my bones too but I think he doesn’t mind a little help shoveling the coal in the furnace, so to speak.

I don’t go out of my way to find these pictures but as a member (and admin) of the largest Outlander group on FaceBook (OSFG: Outlander Series Facebook Group) I get more than my fair share to ogle. *notice Google’s subliminal suggestion to us all…GO OGLE! Yea…weird huh?…clever bastards.

The purpose of my writing this is to put something out there that needs to be said: LEAVE ME AND MY EYE CANDY SISTERS ALONE!

Yes…anyone who likes a few sweets now and then (especially the Scottish Butterscotch variety a.k.a.: Kilt Kandy) should be allowed to enjoy then without these finger-wagging, preachy, judgmental, self-appointed Morality Police telling them that they are pathetic, immature and mentally/sexually stunted, grey-haired sickos who should be ashamed of themselves.

I resent that. I prefer my hair to be called ‘silver’.

Every article that berates others (most single out women actually) are quick to say that they are ‘not prudes’. Ummm…yes you fucking are. In fact, you put the rude in prude as well.

Own it.

   
So what is the main cause of all the hoopla? Well, Starz often releases pictures of its stars and some are kinda sexy. Some aren’t, but ‘sexy’ is very subjective and we all see things our own unique way, as can be seen by those who get Lady Boners from looking at Benedict Cumberbatch. Amazing actor, oh yes, but sexy…meh. Not a bash…I feel for those (like my youngest daughter) who adore his imperfectly perfect imperfections.

SMOS (Spontaneous Multiple Orgasm Syndrome) has risen 360% since Outlander has become a TV series, matched only by the spike seen in 1982 when Tom Selleck took off his shirt in an episode of Magnum P.I. and a well known side effect is loosened tongues and uninhibited FB commenting.

Sam has amassed quite a following and is at the heart of the ‘problem’. Sam looks good in a kilt (*full disclosure: I am not a kilt lover but allow for individual tastes) and there are those who would see more of him in one and reflect upon its sub-bellybutton hidden treasures (read: jewels). I don’t see the thrill but do not condemn those who are feelin’ it. 

*I did however make this meme once that makes my feelings clear:

 

Pamela Anderson has been around forever for fans to fawn over and now womenfolk (and some menfolk with obvious good taste) have Sam. He is, to many, the ultimate sex symbol. *again, full disclosure: I am not really a Sam As Sex God follower…he is my son’s age and I am not a Cougar…more a well-fed Tabby Cat that’s been de-clawed…so I am not writing this as a Super Fan who knows no boundaries. *Get me near Sean Bean though and well…I will show you what Indecent Immaturity is all about.)  

Two pictures of Sam in particular have caused fans worldwide to step up their wolf whistles and online drooling (the second of which I made a meme from, but you can still see the original pic beneath it well enough): 

As we can see, Kilt Porn has been born (like you DIDN'T look straight at his crotch! Pfft!) and it has bloggers clutching their pearls like virginal Southern Belles and fainting all over the net.

They are seriously upset because some fans want to ‘take a peek’…’ and say things like “Where is there a gust of wind when you need it?” and "Where is my magnifying glass?".

These people need to calm down, un-clutch their pearls, unwad their panties and leave a bunch of people who want to have a little innocent adult fun to their guilty pleasures, and focus their abundant energy or REAL LIFE issues like Child Pornography, Sadomasochistic Porn or Human Slavery…any of which is truly worthy of ones disgust and admonishment. *and they should remember that there are those who are judging THEM for READING porn, as Outlander's explicit and numerous sex scenes are seen as 'woman's porn' to many. How about dem apples?

Sam is not, as they opine, embarrassed or insulted by this adulation. He is an actor who obviously loves the attention and gets VERY WELL paid to simulate sexual acts in front of millions of people, and to pose semi-nude on every flat surface know to man, and has done so for years. I don’t think Sam Heughan hates being a Sex God to the Hormonal Squad. 

So what is the big deal? Oh right…Sexism and Objectification. Really? Kilt porn is being likened to the Big Uglies? PUH-LEEZ.

Listen…as long as women have breasts and men have penises, these issues will reign and even though one may argue that little things count, I cannot agree that these pics of Sam and the mildly saucy comments they inspire fall in that category. Not even close. Most fans love him as a package deal, not just a knee or a 6-pack or a set of lips. And to be honest, after centuries of men being in the Cat Calling Seat, women having their turn is Fate’s Comeuppance and it will eventually reach homeostasis wherein we can finally get rid of the saddle altogether. It will take time and patience and an ability to leave ones pearls in the jewelry box. 
 
Do I find some comments juvenile and immature? Yes. Do I find some of them over-the-top and just plain stupid. Yes. But I find a lot of books and people that way too and you know what, I walk away from them and leave them behind without a second thought.

Tell your kids, your husband and your dog what to do but please, do not tell me whose guidelines I must follow. Thinking that you are somehow better and above those who enjoy a little adult fun only makes you a holier-than-thou liar because DEEP down inside, you KNOW you want that kilt to pull a Marilyn Monroe too. Go on. Admit it. 

In fact, isn't it true that you are so pathetically in love with a fictional man that anyone talking about him (or his tangible persona) in even the slightest sexual manner galls the protective lover in you and you are simply lashing out? 

You are suffering a severe case of Leave-My-Man-Alone-itis and need to get a grip.

On a vibrator.

Quickly.

15 THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT OUTLANDER...kinda.

1- Caitriona Balfe, who plays Claire Randall Fraser, has whisky colored eyes in real life.

Having the same, rare colored eyes as the main protagonist of Outlander was why Balfe was first hired, but the ingenious minds at Starz devised a brilliant PR campaign that saw blue contacts cause massive controversy and an indignant uproar amongst die-hard book fans that garnered attention that one simply cannot buy. It helped launch the series into the stratosphere as fodder of gossip columns, Facebook groups and fan clubs worldwide.

Cait is quoted as saying ‘These fucking things are itchy!’ but is a good sport and wears them to prolong the rage/attention/ratings that they fuel.

2- Real urine was used in the dye setting scene.

In the scene in Season 1 Episode 5 where the women were setting the dye in their fabrics with urine, the real urine of 46 members of the The Rod and Rooster Dart Board Club from a local pub on location was used and helped to create an authentic atmosphere and evoke genuine reactions.

The Dart Board lads got free beer for a week and were paid one roasting chicken per litre.

3- The food eaten on set by the extras was plastic. 

To cut production costs, extras were given plastic food to eat. Fruits, meats, breads…all of it, was made of high quality, realistic looking plastic. Multiple takes have taken their toll however, and production has suffered. There is no record of any deaths thus far, but as we see in this picture secreted to us by a concerned crew member, 187 extras are in hospital, 103 are in ICU and 3 of every 17 extras are not expected to make it. *NOTE: All main cast members were fed real food shipped in from Wolfgang Puck’s restaurant in Beverly Hills as per their contracts.

The extra’s ‘wine’ is actually re-filtered liquid from the dye setting scene. But that may be a rumor.

4- Actor Sam Heughan, needed hair glued onto his chest.

As seen here, the actor playing main protagonist, Jamie Fraser, had individual chest hairs meticulously glued on one by one. 

Sam initially, and naturally, had hair on his chest, but it was ripped off in lustful handfuls by Cait during the Wedding Night scene. Shot out of sequence, this fireside scene above was made right after the Wedding Night episode, and to avoid having to re-shoot other scenes that were also shot out of sequence which unfortunately showed his manly rug, Make-Up undertook the task of shaving the hair off of a baby Llama, dying it the reddish tint called Aging Pumpkin that was used for his head hair, and applied it to his ravaged pecs.

*Alas! The scenes on the Wedding Night that show the savage mating that resulted in the orgasmic hair removal (and a circus-freak-like ability to swing from a chandelier and simultaneously perform a 69er) wound up on the cutting room floor (but may be available for viewing on an upcoming episode of Game of Thrones)

5- Jamie’s horse is actually a Unicorn. 

The lovely white Unicorn used as the beautiful Donas (Donas is black...right?) was found in Scotland just before production began. They are the national animal of Scotland and thought to be extinct, but Starz executives spared no expense (and used money set aside for real food for the extras) to locate the last of its kind, spray paint him black and cut off his horn. 

You can see the decorative patch they used to cover the unsightly hole in the poor creature's forehead.

6- Three dancers were lost during the dance scene around the Stones.

Again, striving for authenticity, filming the Druids Dance sequence around the Stones was actually done on a solstice evening and 3 young women apparently fell through the Stones. *They, and all the women, had signed wavers asking not to be found if lost.

Their agents are seeking damages and so far 16,678,432 women have applied for their vacant positions in the dance troupe which may film around the Stones again soon. 

Many have never danced before in their lives.

7- The Wentworth Stampede Cattle were stoned out of their minds.

The normally feisty and speedy cows in question wandered unnoticed into a marijuana patch in-between takes and had to be pulled, dazed and mellowed, into action. They meandered with a lazy saunter through the prison corridors and twice tried to head for the concession for munchies but finally completed the scene before dark. Plans are to play the cow scenes in high speed motion to simulate a stampede.

‘NO COMMENT, Dude!’ was the answer given by the Location Manager when asked if the Wacky Weed Patch was known to the team prior to shooting.

8- Crotch Fruit was used in the Cunnilingus Scene.

In the Most Re-Named Scene In TV History (The Snack Bar Scene; The Table Tongue Tango Scene; The Face First To Home Plate Scene; The Tongue Train To Tuna Town Scene to name but a few…) actor Tobias Menzies was asked what his favorite fruit was (which is a banana but that would have changed the entire story), so his second fave, a peach, was used) which was carefully fastened to an old jock strap and fitted around ‘Claire’s Lady Bits’ so ‘Frank’ could simulate cunniligus with believability and extra vim and vigor whilst actually eating the peach, thus receiving his daily intake of Vitamin C. 

Rumor has it that 8 peaches in total were used by Tobias (and 2 packs of cigarettes by Cait).

9- Claire’s wardrobe inspired a Knitting Revolution of Epic Proportions.

It is estimated that 12 out of every 10 women over the age of 45 have either bought Claire Cowls or Claire Sleevelettes or knitted their own. Not only do they keep various body parts warm and add a fashionable touch to drab everyday wear, they cover age-spotted hands and hide up to 4 chins and/or the wiggly turkey-waddle necks of women across the globe. The younger fans of this apparel either want to ‘be like Claire’ or hide various sizes of hickies from the prying eyes of their parents/boring boyfriends/clergy.

A massive wool shortage is predicted within 9 months and the price of yarn is skyrocketing. Shares in the Australian Sheep Shearing Industry have already risen to record highs. 

10- It is a period piece that proves that colors were not yet invented by 1945.

Thorough research proved, and was adhered to in production, that the colors red, yellow, green, purple, pink and blue were not yet invented by 1945. 

Browns, greys and whites had been around for a while but only because of dirty laundry water.

11 - Sam Heughan makes extra cash with Fangirl Hair Rubs.

To supplement his income from Outlander (which does not quite cover his growing obsession with sports cars and pineapple coconut Häagen-Dazs^®  Ice Cream), Sam rents out a small room on all the Starz locations daily for 6 hours and allows people to come run their fingers through his hair for $200.00 USD per minute. Tax included.

He is booked until April 22 2019, so make your reservation soon! Appointments can be made by calling 1-800-RUB-JAMIE

12 - The dog actor playing Rollo is a descendant of the Coppertone Dog.

Brutus, the doggie actor that will play Rollo is the 7^th generation grandson of the dog who won the hearts of every beach-goer of the 60’s in the iconic Coppertone suntan lotion ad.

It is said he and Jamie got along especially well as Brutus felt comfortable with Jamie’s highly visible and vastly appreciated lily white ass.

13-  Tobias Menzies has a twin brother Keith Percival Menzies that plays Black Jack Randall.

Secretly separated at birth and unbeknownst to either brother, Tobias and Keith Menzies both became actors but were raised in separate countries (Keith lives in Mexico) and only reunited when vigilant casting directors discovered the secret and hired the long lost Twin B for the series. The reunion was awkward at first but the uncanny and mutual love of white powdered donuts and porno brought the siblings closer together. We do not know which it is, but one of the twins has only one testicle, but both have matching birthmarks on their right buttocks shaped like a rhinoceros with 2 horns.

American country music crooner Tobias ‘Toby’ Keith is thought to be named after these actors but it is not known why.

14- Actor Gary Lewis cut off his legs to win the role of Chieftain Colum MacKenzie.

The once 6’8” actor decided to have his legs surgically removed to make himself the required 4’1” to secure the part. He does not regret the decision and says that he has been flooded with scripts wanting him in roles in Big Time movies like Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory, Disney's Stuart Little and The Hobbit. 

He also had skin bleaching as he was born Jamaican.

15- Author Diana Gabaldon is a Hermione-like witch.

Shown here with the actor who played Chewbacca in Star Wars, Diana Gabaldon has been outed recently as being a witch; an accusation she denies. It is obvious though that she broke into Hogwarts, replicated Professor Slughorn’s ‘Felix Felicis’ or Liquid Luck Potion and imbibed vast quantities of it (and uses it as perfume).

How else can one explain her ability to ‘practice writing’ a novel that becomes a runaway bestseller, THEN a hit book series, THEN a hit cable TV show AND also be a massively intelligent, thoroughly academic and accomplished doctor; a beloved mother; find a loving and decent man that is still husband #1; have physical beauty, a great sense of style; inner grace and wondrously witty sense of humor... AND a voice that sounds like crushed velvet on steroids? You see? The answer is right before your eyes. Felix Felicis.

That is also the name of her dog. Coincidence? I think not.

**NOTE: If you actually believe any of the above please do 3 things: 1) Invest in a sense of humor because you are severely lacking; 2) Slap yourself in the head. Twice and 3) Stay the FUCK away from me. And my dog.

Oh My Goodness. I just got an "Oooo...kay" from Herself! I appreciate that it can be taken as an 'Ooookay...that was weirdly awesome!' or an 'Ooookay. Time for someone to geta LOT more sleep!' BUT you know what...I WILL TAKE THEM BOTH because I know Diana read this and at least got a smile enough from it to re-post it on her FB page.*I wonder how many will be slapping themselves tonight? Twice.

                 THANK YOU Madame. I am your humble servant...kinda. ;)

**NOTE: I see that DG's Fbook page re-post of my blog has almost 5,000 likes at present and I have read some comments which I find fascinating. I understand that some people don't like my writing or silliness. Especially this parody, and that is okay. I get that and am fine...I am happyasapiginshit just to be read! Truly! I have thick skin and can take (read: ignore) criticism very easily.  But the people attacking me personally on that post are not being honest: ALL are banned members of a large Outlander FB group I am admin on (which they will try and deny now, no doubt) and are showing the world WHY they got banned. THEY ARE BULLIES. I am not angry with them....I pity them. I mean seriously, how unhappy can a person be at their age to strike out at a stranger online. What sad lives they must have. **When did it become okay to hijack another's page to bring up old grievances and politics of another FB page? No class.

The OSFG I admin has grown from 31,000 to 39,000 in the months I have been admin and I have got dozens of Thank You's from members for cleaning the 'meanness' up from the site. THAT says a lot. It is an awesome group and tons of fun. 

I seriously suggest the vindictive group of ladies still trying to seek revenge over FaceBook seek therapy instead and try to move on and enjoy real life. 
*Maybe they just need to get laid or buy peaches...I don't know. So tense! Can't be healthy. 

                                                            
                                              Diana re-posted my blog 14 hours ago:

                                                              This is crazy.
                                 I will enjoy this phenomenon for as long as possible.

                                                       As of Jan 22/15: 65,345

REPLY FROM DIANA REGARDING MY LAST 2 PM's TO HER...from which I can happily reveal to those Haters who reveled in saying she hated my blog: "SUCK IT  BABY...SUCK IT HARD." *ooops...did I write that out loud? *blushes daintily*
*** I am certain DG would agree to share this PM as it dispels a malicious lie:

                                                         *click to enlarge all pics

                                 Thanks to Louise Landry for this sassy monkey pic. 
                                             She thought it appropriate. *grin*

                   Enough now...time to act like a grown up again and get back to the grind...
                                               and no, I don't mean corn grinding. 

              I try to leave and they PULL ME BACK IN!!
                     *if you knew that was a Godfather paraphrase, we can be best friends. 
How is it that bullies always go crying when someone fights back? The loudest and meanest ones are the ones that whine loudest. It is the nature of the beast, I guess. But threatening lawyers? MOMMY'S lawyer? Oh my. How old is Rheanon...12? THAT would explain a lot actually. Her attitude, immaturity, Mean Girlness and poor grammar. *snort*  The BEST part of this screen shot (ss) is how all of the sudden they are the victims and their actions, mirrored in their faces, now look as ugly and vile as they are. *Note the Snake Oil Salesman term being invented: 'true bullying'. Nice try kid...ye canna slip outta this one, ye ken? I have the ss to prove it.
Karma is a bitch ladies...especially Linda Molnar...who seems to have rabid need to jump into every public fray about me with medical jargon? She can cut and paste....maybe it is a new skill in the Home? Dunno... *shrug* I unfriended her and blocked her from FB a LONG time ago and she's been like a wart on my ass ever since: clingy, annoying and crusty. I even made a meme about her obsession with me (a rabbit in a pot like in Fatal Attraction) which can be see in my Queen of Meme blog post here. Ha! ).

   LESSON TO ALL...BULLIES HATE BEING CAUGHT 
       IN PUBLIC...SO KEEP THEM ACCOUNTABLE! 
But this is even boring ME now so I am done...time to write 
                 my next blog. Where IS my quill?

   OMG! Will it ever end? There is a tsunami of stupidity 
  out there and it keeps sucking me into its slimy vortex! 
Okay...one last fool to disembowel: Debbie Straughn...admit you love me and then you can move forward!  It is the first step to getting better:
                          
                      Debbie's verbose 'Post of Revelation' followed by...sanity. Thank you 

                   
The entire rant is complete bullshit...head to toe and in every sweaty crack. I was never a member of that group...because it formed after they were banned. Duh. The 3 'sweet kind ladies' are all on record, and my ss, as showing how juvenile and malicious they truly are, repeatedly posting rude remarks and childish taunts on DG's page like these for example:

**PRIVATE MESSAGE to Rheanon's mommy's, uncle's, friend's, boss's, milkman's, janitor's,  roommate's lawyer: *pssst! Run away. Quick...before you have to talk face to face with her and risk your head imploding!


There are a LOT more. But I think my point is made.

As far as Data Mining, Alex always reminds me to tell members to NOT give out personal information online, so I guess he sucks at his 'mining job' ? LOL! This Debbie chick is beyond Peach Therapy and needs a full blown Watermelon Intervention

Finally and forever: as far as my 'lies go' well....here are 2 of many of my PM to and from Diana dated March 28, 29  2014. One is redacted for privacy. You would send me an apology Debbie Straughn... if you had any balls.

I was getting the yawns but have my second wind. Grab a coffee of wine and tag along for the fun:


For those who can't get enough of my blog thriller 'Outlander Drama and Revenge' here are a few random samples of the stuff I have had the chore and pleasure of reading through. Column A is so sad, it almost hurts me to post it...Column B are all now in my Lottery Winnings Gift List: 
*if too small to read, enlarge text by holding your 'ctrl' key down with your left hand and simultaneously click on the top key on your board that has the plus + sign with your right hand. Hit the minus sign the same way to reduce text.

**Special thanks to Mrs Hook (aka: Elisabeth Meyer) for being The Warrior that she is...taking on dozens of rabid, frothing Haters (blocked and unbeknownst to me) one by one, defending my mangled and broken honor (which actually got that way in a bizarre Frat Party in 1978...but I digress). Don't know the lady personally but GOD'S TEETH she's feisty! Glad she is on my side. 

I may leave her my Quill in my Will.