WHY THIS BLOG?

I AM PARCA'S CHOSEN:
Parca is the Roman Goddess of Childbirth and Destiny and after you get to know me, you will see why I believe she has, without doubt, made me her Poster Child. I deal with the odd serious issue but for the most part, my posts are just some cheeky fun, reviews of favorite shows, and true stories that will make you laugh out loud (or run screaming...I don't know you well enough to predict your behavior). You'll find satire with the odd parody tossed in....and most definitely a generous helping of hyperbole, with a dollop of facetiousness.

I am Canadian so expect a bit of politeness too. Sorry.

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Monday, April 13, 2015

OUTLANDER EPISODE 10: The P.R.U.D.E Necessity




I am a P.R.U.D.E. And Starz needs to hire me. 

Quickly.

For those not in the know (which means everyone, since I just made it up) a PRUDE is an acronym for a Practical Reality and Ugly Detail Expert.
  
It is rather the antithesis of the prudishness it conjures, oddly enough, but essential for episodes like #10 that are severely lacking in practical realism and the ugly details that make fantasy more believable. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the show for the most part, but the Devil is in the details, as they say.
  
The following are things a PRUDE would note and demand changed. Consider this part of my résumé:

The opening scene was unique in that in all of television history, there was absolutely NO cinematic foreplay or indicator that explicit sex was coming at you from the get-go. It was the nervous-pimply-teenager-in-the-back-seat-with-the-school-slut of all Openers. BANG...straight to business baby!
 
This, in itself, is not anything I had issue with, but it DID have tens of thousands of women scrambling for their vibrators quicker than they had anticipated and cursing Starz for not giving ample warning, or at least a few seconds of make-out music, so they could put their wine glass down. I may invest in the stocks of these holster dildos…always handy and ready for quick usage. They are flying off Costco shelves as we speak.


(Speaking of vibrators, I would bet my prized Ceramic Chicken Collection that the opening sequence will become the highest viewed looped scene in YouTube history)

Good or bad, this is something a PRUDE would note and leave up for consideration.

So, what do we see here in this screen shot of the opening scene?

Well, Jamie has obviously been forced to come up for air while enjoying his breakfast at the Snack Bar (the breakfast of Champions, I may add) and that is where we can see the first lack of detail and realism: can you see it?
  
If you said ‘a curiously dry mouth’, you would be right (and competition for my job with Starz, so bugger off). With all Claire’s moaning (did anyone else hear her squeak out the name ‘Frank’?) one would conclude that the strappin’ lad has become a very good student of the 'Art du La Oral Sexulatie' (everything sounds better in fake French, don't you think?) and if so, one must wonder then why there is no sheen of pleasure on his mouth. At the risk of sounding indelicate, anyone who has had a proper Lady Blowjob knows it is a wet and wild ride. If not right then, then surely after he dives back in with a half loop and double twist to eagerly finish the job. He doesn’t even wipe his mouth before opening the door! *which I will address later
  
I admit to a rare guffaw when Jamie raises his head and furrows his brow to croak out a angry ‘No!’ and goes back in with a ferocity and gusto one only sees in cartoons and pie eating contests.



Since Claire didn’t bring along a copy of the Kama Sutra, one can only smile and wonder at how she was able to teach the unworldly Jamie how humans do the things that horses/animals don’t do naturally in the wild. Unless he happened to see these monkeys in King Louis exotic zoo?

              I know nobody will be offended because this is actually very tasteful jungle sex.

Next up would be something I can only call a willful desire for Starz to either 
1) incense Frank fans or 
2) show they need the PRUDE who had obviously been cut from Production Cost because of our exorbitant salaries. 

I am talking about the shot of Jamie’s head being held between Claire’s legs with a hand boldly displaying Frank’s wedding ring, shining in all its betrayed glory like the gleam in the eye of a pimp counting his pile of snatch money.

                                Frank in-between Claire's legs once more...kinda. 
Not cool.

Another noticeable detail omitted from the opening scene would be the need for Jamie to at least wipe his mouth before opening the door to Murtagh. Again, perhaps this is indelicate but a quick ‘subconscious’ wipe of the chin would have been a clever way of making the sex act look real. He didn't have to spit a pube onto the floor but come on, his nose to nose talk with Murtagh should have at least seen the older man look a little repulsed with Jamie’s tuna sandwich breath wafting over his face. 

  
Sex smells. An erotic fragrance, but there nonetheless.

I guess PRUDES just appreciate the down and dirty in the Down and Dirty.

Speaking of dirty, Geillis remained surprisingly clean and fresh after her role in the meadow. And since we get to see her chest as it is offered to the God’s of Knocking Off First Wives, I can only assume Starz has gone boob crazy and there will soon be a #Nipplegate to bitch over when they add scenes that offer us full frontal nudes of LegHair's hooters, Mrs. Fitz’s titzs and maybe even Jocasta’s jugs (that last saw the sun circa 1695 under the guidance of the randy butler Ulysses)

Thank God they spared us Mrs. Baird's Bosoms.

Next, we have a serious reality check: the second UNNECESSARY LOVE TRIANGLE (ULT). The first ULT was, of course, Jamie/Claire/Frank. It was always a triangle, but in the books it wasn’t a LOVE triangle, as we didn’t see a lot of love between Frank and Claire (for reasons I hope are explained later on by Frank's PTSD from his hidden and heroic 007 days in the war). 

Frank was the ‘meh’ husband easily dismissed, but Starz made him a Tour de Force and our new love for him messes up so much! (see my Franklander post here for a detailed explanation). Now they have done a similar fuckup with the Dougal/Geillis/Maura triangle that never was supposed to be a biggie. In the book Dougal’s wife was a non-entity and even though Dougal obviously respected her and thought very highly of his newly deceased wife (which was endearing and made us respect Dougal a wee bit more), he did not go crazyapeshit over her death and act as though he wasn’t allowed to buy a new My Little Pony… 


*kudos to Grahma McTavish for surviving the Viagra Tantrum he was forced to act out. That sucker must have felt like it lasted at least 4 hours…

Again, like other episodes, the overacting was not a good actor's fault. It was the director. He told him what to do and it makes no sense with the upcoming scenes where we see the Murderess Geillis’ husband puke and perish whilst she and Dougal exchange lustful, knowing smiles that make Dougal the secret accomplice.Their glee was so tangible that Colum looked back and forth at them with his mouth agape, like he was watching Roger Federer and Donald Trump playing a round of tennis in thong Speedos: a complete WTF? moment.

It is yet another deviation from the book that needlessly takes away an important set character trait: that nice thought of Dougal being kinda sweet for his love of Maura...all gone. He is now a complete MacPrick *although his one-liner ‘I said kiss’er not swallow’er.’ made me laugh out loud and reminded me he wasn’t without his charms

I can only guess which ULT will be next: perhaps with Brianna/Roger/Stephen, where Roger confesses to having a Pirate Fetish and has a fling with Stephen Bonnet and plays Walk My Plank the night before he gets tied in the tide. It would make as much sense as any of the others and create an opportunity for a little male nipple time to balance the score.
  
Which brings us to Claire. I had heard that her hair was an issue but could not see why when I watched the show, except to say her dye job was off a tad (black around her face and light brown above) but again, not something a PRUDE would bother with much, unless the bi-color became too much more obvious in the up-sweep:


There is one thing near the end of the episode that wasn't very important but still irked me: when Claire hurried of to Geillis' house, the servant opened the door, took one quick look at Claire, nodded quickly and they both hurried in, just like if Claire had been called and expected. Normally not a problem but it clashed with Geillis saying she didn't call for her. A non-book reader would have though it contradictory I think. If not, well, they had better not dream of becoming a PRUDE. 

Happily, there is not much else I would, as a professional, have suggested except to say for THREE MAJOR additions that would have made E10 the best one yet:

1) Having The Duke of Sandringham, the juicy cherry atop this melting parfait, in every scene…somewhere, anywhere. Have him under beds or in the closets...wiping Ned Gowan's glasses...braiding Colum's hair...make something up! God knows they do that at every turn, so why not do it for a good reason! He would rock any space he’s in.

2) More Frank flashbacks.

3) More Murtagh. To be specific, show more of his eyebrows. They are an entity unto themselves and pretty well steal every scene they are in. Do I exaggerate? I don’t think so. They even have their own Twitter account. Ishityounot: Murtagh’s Eyebrows.
I think there should be Twitter accounts called Claire’s Nipples, Jamie’s Scars, Dougal’s Beard (LOL!There is one! linked), Colum’s Ankles and Geillis’s Forehead…but will leave it to the Outlander Fandom that dallies in such trivialities. I am busy enough trying to shield my perspicacious senses from the shows as it is. *yes, that has been a favorite word of mine for years, ever since hearing it for the first time in Topsy Turvy, a most under-appreciated and marvelous movie
  
That is why I write this blog...it's cathartic. Cuz it ain’t easy being a PRUDE.

Starz: call me maybe.
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**The Outlander group I admin has been very supportive and lots of fun...and this came out of one discussion about how...ummm...wet..Jamie's face should have been. *giggle*