OUTLANDER: THE REAL REASON #SHARKLANDER IS GOING TO HAPPEN

OUTLANDER has become shark bait. 

If ‘shark bait’ means fodder for Armageddon.

Diana Gabaldon’s casual pseudo-announcement of the earth-shattering changes to her books’ adaptations on Starz has caused a ripple in the Cosmos unrivaled in recent literary/cable television history. A ripple so widely felt and feared that The F̶a̶n̶d̶u̶m̶b̶  Fandom has battened down the hatches and cleared the decks (read: stocked up on wine, tissues and chocolate).

Their world was rocked. And not in the good way.

To be exact, Diana (the author of the phenomenal books of the Outlander Series *for those who stumbled on to this post in foggy haze of soon-to-be-legal marijuana looking for pictures of sharks {sorry to disappoint}) made a comment on an online forum she frequents called Compuserve and mentioned, in passing, that there would be some upcoming changes and may, or may not have, used the Happy Days Term 'Jump The Shark'. The media got hold of it and well...let's just say I am not the only person with an over-active hyperbole gene:

I am not privy to the exact wording of the online comment but after searching online for approximately 4 seconds, I decided that she said something like this: “In upcoming episodes, Starz is making Jamie blonde with a fake beauty mark that travels around his face from scene to scene. It will fun to guess where it turns up next, and it’ll help the ratings…”

This of course, caused a meltdown of epic proportions, because we ALL know wandering beauty marks is hardly original (ever watch Men in Tights?) and ‘changes’ really means: complete story-line destruction and sniper-like character annihilation! Sorta. Well, not really...whatever. Anyway...

 *click to enlarge all pics

*is this the REAL meaning behind the dreaded 'mark me' term? *gag*

The 'announcement' *cough cough* had fans running at breakneck speed to their Photoshop apps:

meme courtesy of Melissa Wagner

 

Doctor Gabaldon was quick to try and calm our Collective Fear (the name of a new punk rock band in England, by the way, made up four Outlander fans who stopped watching the show after Claire sang 'Boogie Oogie Bugle Boy') and posted this recantation within hours of the explosion of #Sharklander:*sorry if it blurry...I think she was crying when she wrote it

After another 4 seconds of intense research, I uncovered the bitter truth of what is REALLY going to change in an upcoming episode (probably 7, as the theme song for that episode is the theme music to JAWS)…. and it isn’t anything 'Jamie':

The shark jump is…FRANK TRAVELS THROUGH TIME TO RESCUE AND FIGHT FOR CLAIRE!

Tobias Menzies’ portrayal of Frank Randall (boring and rather inattentive in the books, but on the show is The King of Husbands with a sensual voice that sounds like a heated Rémy Martin Black Pearl Louis XIII Cognac, if a Rémy Martin Black Pearl Louis XIII Cognac could talk) has catapulted him to the top of *MAW’s wet dreams worldwide. (*Middle Aged Women). He has become such a hot commodity that Starz producers decided to re-write the books to allow Frank to Time Travel through the Stones at Craigh Na Dun. 

A brilliant academic and a Professor of History, Frank discovers what really happened to Claire and understands the dangers she must be facing. He goes flippyapeshit with his need to rescue her and finally uncovers an ancient hidden recipe for passing through Time, found in an old battered cookbook of Mrs. Graham (it was penciled in right under Wee Scotch Pies...so yummy...) and finds a way to get to Claire in the 1700's: "Crushed diamonds or rubies, ingested with 2 cloves of garlic, half a cup of raw haggis and 8 cans of Fresca on Halloween night between 6:45 p.m. and 7:08 p.m; this will allow Men-Only to pass through the Stones to another era but, and this is crucial, they must be wearing an apron and curlers in their hair and have their penises tucked well out of sight in a sock puppet of Lambchop." *note: the addition of Fresca to the script was controversial as it isn't really known if it is really that ancient...

Lambchop

I am not sure why Lambchop was used in the story but I have already purchased stocks on the company that makes them, so I don't really care.

Not much else is revealed in this surprising stray from the book except to say that Frank will eventually be sent back to 1945 by Geillis under a Forget All This Shit Spell and will have been gone only 6 days, which nobody notices except Rev Wakefield who assumes Frank is either working undercover for the still-functioning but Top Secret MI6 Spy Agency, or drinking himself silly in a string of bars. He is baffled however, when he finds Frank semi-conscious in the back alley of The Pubic Penguin Pub, wearing only a potato sack apron, 2 rudimentary hair rollers and a sock puppet made of lambswool over his penis.

***JUICY TIDBIT!!

The meeting of Black Jack Randall and Frank, his 20th Century kith & kin, is a real mind-blowing heart-stopper...

*My apologies to anyone who believes any of the above and suffered any form of distress. Let me buy you a drink sometime...perhaps after you are released from that place in One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest.

S̶E̶S̶A̶M̶E̶ OUTLANDER STREET S2 Ep2: A G-RATED VERSION...sorta.

Here is a g-rated version of Outlander (S2 E2) for those who cannot handle the adult version. Not judging...
just trying to help.
_____

Let’s just get right to the Nipple Dress and get it out of the way.  This is how it would look on Outlander Street, with the proper birds:

(*and while we are there, how about that BJR shot in 
Season 1?sorry, couldn't resist *snicker*)

The opening scene to Se E2 should be replaced with cartoons…(*note to self: NEVER google 'cartoon sex gifs' again. Ever.)

            

...and then this...

 

Master Raymond is memorable and unique!

                            

The Brothel Scene would be tricky, but doable:        

                          

Oh...and this might have been going on in Murtagh's room 
(again, not judging, just putting it out there...)

The Red Dress!
 
  
And King Pooie...I mean Louie and his constipation issues would be more subtle:

            

 

Murtagh’s reaction to the Nipple Dress is funny…like he has never seen breasts before. So how about this instead?

    

  

The sword fight HAS to stay but let's soften it up a bit:

               

And finally, the Honeypot Wax Job: 

We tried test-waxed the nether-regions of a number of cartoon characters and the reactions varied, but you can judge for yourself how it would play out on Outlander Street..

 

 

 

 

*then there's Ursula *raises eyebrows* Well...she takes it like a Boss! 

 

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THERE! Wouldn’t that better?

Now the kids can run past and you don’t have to scream, “I TOLD YOU THIS IS MOMMY TIME! GO PLAY OUTSIDE!!” and you won’t need to tell your husband, who thinks you are a softpornhound, “I TOLD YOU THIS IS MY TIME! BUGGER OFF BEFORE I MAKE GEILLIS’S WIDOWMAKER STEW!!”

You’re welcome.

5 OUTLANDER S2 CHANGES THAT WILL OUTRAGE FANS! *verified by Diana Gabaldon, Ron Moore, The Pope and Elvis

1) ANOTHER TIME TRAVELER COMES IN and MURTAGH GOES! 

While the book has no such occurrence, S2 will see newbie Time Traveller Marvin ‘Teddy Bear’ Lambert (seen here wearing jeans, a hoodie and a baseball cap) materialize out of thin air right in front of Claire as they just arrive in Paris. Marvin is a newly created character, a future ancestor of Claire’s, who reads about her adventures in a comic book in the year 2098 and buys a ticket from the groundbreaking ‘Ancestors Я Us’ Travel Agency to travel back in time to meet her. He is the spitting image of Claire’s Uncle Lamb and she takes to him right away. Marvin (played by actor James Smyrna) replaces Murtagh Fraser, played by actor Duncan Lacroix, who, we are told, fell in love with his Sword Dance instructor from Season 1 and left the show to co-run a dance studio in Sausalito, California. The Murtagh character is killed off in the first scene, off camera, as Jamie is seen leaning down a well screaming “Murtagh! Nooooooooo!”

2) FRANK RETURNS AND DUELS WITH JAMIE  

Frank learns the secrets of Time Travel and zips over to Paris where he challenges Jamie to a duel for Claire. This is a shot of him during that To-The-Death fight. *He is wearing clothes stolen from a laundry line so he could 'blend in'.

I know it looks like Black Jack. It isn’t. 

It’s Frank. (a.k.a.: Fraaaaaaaaaank!)

  

3) ‘YOUNG FERGUS’ IS REALLY DIANE KEATON

  

Starz wanted to hire new talent for the role of Young Fergus but legendary actress Diane Keaton (see inset), who is a massive fan of Outlander, begged in on the show, and Ron Moore could not say no. Using the same technology and wizard-like Make-Up Team from Starz that will be aging Claire and Jamie decades, making them the sexiest and horniest Sexagenarians in the annals of historical fictiondom, the reverse was used to transform Diane Keaton into a young boy. The picture above shows how amazing the end product is. 

Starz is trying to condense the process into a liquid form to sell in the open market (working name: Youth Juice), which will, without doubt, make them very rich. In the meanwhile, we must rely on the ‘youth juice’ sometimes called Vodka, to replicate that ever-so-fleeting moment of thinking we look young again.

*Note: Ms Keaton is being credited as ‘Romann Berrux’, as her appearance was an unpaid cameo played for fun.

4) THEN THERE'S THE  LEMON EPISODE

In what many in the industry are calling the most ambitious and bold product placement contract ever made, Outlander Starz created and filmed an entire episode around the sourgasmic lemon candy from Japan called: Nobel Super Lemon. To honor the contract, Starz had to film all the actors eating an entire bag of NSL at some given point. Jamie, for example, popped only 2 small pieces for this scene…so one can assume the entire cast was well puckered up by the end of the day. It is rumored that forklifts by the dozen rolled in pallets loaded with bricks of salt, and countless cases of tequila were shipped in by the truckload to help ease the lemon overload on set. It will become a 'Where's Waldo?' type at-home game, we assume, to find where the 482 packets of these gobslobbering, tongue shriveling treats are placed in the scenes. Some, obviously, will be obvious.

Production was halted for 3 days after this episode, ‘poor weather’ being given as the reason.

5) CLAIRE HAS A COO BABY

In an attempt to steal the audience from the crazy-popular HBO hit Game of Thrones, Starz has set up a Battle of The Red Ladies. Fans of GoT will know the story behind Melisandre, The Red Lady who births an evil assassin, better known as Smoke Baby or Vag Demon. It is an eyeball-numbing scene that had therapists and exorcists rubbing their hands with glee for months…and Starz wants a piece of that youtube-viral attention. It is said that Claire gives birth in Season 2 to a shaggy Highland coo-like creature complete with wild red hair and a set of working bagpipes that it uses to communicate. Without spoiling the entire scene, let’s just say that Melisandre’s birth was like a sunny day at the beach next to Claire’s ear-busting labor... and Smoke Baby can in NO-way, NO-how fill a diaper like Coo Baby can. Nuff said.

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If you believe any of this: Bravo! The world is a more interesting place with you in it. Truly.