OUTLANDER MINI SURVIVAL GUIDE: Episode 15/Wentworth Prison

April 4th  2015:

Life begins again.

  

With Season One/Part Two, Starz opens its doors and lets us back into the dining room because the rest of the meal is now ready and well, we have been good girls and boys and rather do deserve dessert. Dessert meaning Jamie dripping wet and holding his…breath underwater. *Yea…you know what I’m talking about. *everyone breaks out into a spirited rendition of ‘He’s got the whole world, in his hands….he’s got the whole wide world, in his hands…*

I am sure Sam is not offended by millions of women wishing they were a trout.

*WARNING: for those who find Jamie's rolling R's and smooth voice orgasmic, either stock up on truck loads of cigarettes (whether you smoke or not) or buy industrial strength ear plugs because Jamie does the voice-over/narration. I think Starz wanted to show that Jamie's tongue could match Frank's...

May 16th 2015:

In Episode 15, Starz opens its floodgates and raw emotions will rage back into our lives with such life-changing ferocity, that there are only three possible outcomes: 

1) you will weep with an intensity normally reserved for watching Dumbo being rocked by his imprisoned mother or Simba trying to wake up the murdered Mufasa after the stampede 

2) you will become so angry that you will smash your extra-large wine glass against the wall and proceed to systematically rip every curtain, table cloth and napkin in the room with your bare hands and teeth whilst screaming FREEEEEDOM like Mel in Braveheart

3) you will vomit into the garbage can you readied next to you just in case (on which you painted the Fraser tartan colors {and bedazzled for flair} to match the Scottish themed room, weeks before the show).

Yes, I am talking about the Jamie/BlackJack Wentworth Prison scenes. 

True, there is a lot to look forward to in Season One/Part Two, like Jenny and Jamie reuniting (I hope TVJenny is as feisty as BookJenny), the Duke of Sandringham being portrayed by the Pure Delight that is Simon Callow, and the b̶i̶t̶c̶h̶  witch Geillis becoming a marshmallow at a weekend campfire, but if we are honest, it is the rape/torture/abuse of Jamie we are on edge about. I refuse to say ‘excited about’ because I cannot be excited about any sexual abuse, even the pretend kind, but that part of the book is important to the story and therefore necessary. How Starz treats it will make or break a lot of fans.

The whipping scene, way-back-when in a more innocent time, caused such outraged opinion and horrification that I am all a-shiver to think what the prison scenes will evoke! I, for one, hope the #OMGDHJ scenes aren’t too explicit (that's: hashtag Oh MY God Don’t Hurt Jamie). Sometimes less is more (and yes, I KNOW where your naughty minds went there...) as we see in gems like The Age of Innocence, where one witnesses cinematic genius wherein the sexiest sex scene EVER made, plays out before our mesmerized eyes…and both actors remain dressed and dry (which is more than I can say about my hubby and I after watching it, but I digress…)

Starz has scored some great hits and some huge misses on its Outlander adaptation so, regardless of which is your particular viewing Fate, here is a Survival Guide to weathering SEASON ONE/PART TWO~ Episode 15:

WENTWORTH PRISON SCENES VIEWING CHECKLIST: 

                             TOP 12 NECESSITIES  

         

If alone: 

1) 12 boxes triple-thickness facial tissue; brand of choice (or **truckload)

2) hot or cold beverage of choice; enough for 3 days because that hour will feel like it 

3) comfort food; enough for 6 days because 7 days sounds piggish 

4) adult diapers; extra absorbent 

5) air freshener 

6) remote control/dental floss 

7) cell phone/regular phone 

8) telephone book/yellow pages 

9) blanket and pillow 

10) laptop/computer 

11) any DG book

12) vitamins

**If viewing with family/friends: 

1) the same as above but add ONE crowbar.

DETAILS: 

Part Two will have its fair share of ups and downs but the emotional roller-coaster of Episode 15 demands these specific Survival Tools. 

The horde of Kleenex is obvious as is the vast amounts of food and drinks (alcoholic or not…laced coffees/teas or not) but the diapers need a wee bit of explanation. They are necessary, but not just for an explosive outburst of emotion made tangible, but for the simple fact that you will NOT want to miss a second of the show and will choose to shityerpants rather than move the 10 feet to the nearest toilet. This explains the need for the air freshener. Might I suggest Sunny Fields or Pine Forest. NOT Lavender Floral.

The dental floss can be replaced with twine or thread etc…anything that can be attached to the remote because you WILL throw it at the TV more than once and it will save you having to get up and find it. Make sure the other end is attached to your wrist. *one may train a pet to fetch and retrieve if so inclined. This doesn't mean your child, who should not be watching this episode and however politically incorrect this may be for me to say, you are totally screwed in the head if you let your child watch this. By child, I mean anyone not old enough to drive you to the hospital after you throw yourself down the basement stairs so Jamie doesn't have to suffer alone.

The phone will come in handy for 2 reasons:

a) to call a friend or loved one who loves Outlander too, just talk to and feel human again after the show ends and 

b) to have 911 on Speed Dial in case you hurt yourself destroying your room in your #OMGDHJ grief.

The yellow pages will get you a therapist's name and number quick. This may be done beforehand to save time. Do not choose anyone named Jack. Or Randall. Or anyone who has a penis.

You will not be able to manage moving your physically and mentally exhausted body off the couch/chair post-show, so the pillow and blanket will be your bed for the night. Choose wisely. A soft, Scottish themed blanket with rolling green mountains and butterflies wearing kilts is your best chance of ever sleeping that night. A pre-bought pillowcase with Jamie's face on it with accentuated blue eyes saying 'Sassenach' in a white speech bubble would be a bonus.

The laptop or computer close by is mandatory, to see these clips. Do it as soon as possible after the show ends. There are 3 choices to cater to all tastes:

 MIND'S EYE CLEANSER #1: Cute Wee Puppies 

MIND'S EYE CLEANSER #2: Cute Wee Kittens

   

MIND'S EYE CLEANSER #3: Cute Wee Snake

Any book by Diana will help you relax and remember why you want to keep living, and last but not least, the vitamins will help make you healthy and ready for the next episode. Not that it is will match the intensity of the last one, but because it IS the last one until about 2078 and you’ll need all your power to 

1) endure the pain of knowing you are now engaged in the #LFWKTM (hashtag Longest Fucking Wait Known To Man) and 

2) resist jumping in your TV set and grabbing the nearest Starz executive by the throat for not ending it the way you wanted it to/the way the book ended.

**For those watching with friends or family etc...the crowbar is for them to pry you off the TV set.

Let us all wish Diana Godspeed and Good Health in her writing adventures to come, and offer her husband a place on our rec room couches, because it will hit him sooner or later after Episode 15 that he is, actually, sleeping next to BJR, and those hammers and nails in the tool box will take on a whole new meaning. 

As corn did.


                                                      **Kleenex delivery:

*click on pics to enlarge

OUTLANDER in IAMBIC TETRAMETER

                                             

Outlander in Iambic Tetrameter

By Denise Sevier-Fries

With lovely piercing eyes of Gold

A Lass just wed a little while;

Will Witness soon a Tale Untold

For Destiny must Reconcile.

Claire’s choice would never come to Play

It was not she, who thought to Leave;

Her heart was full that Fateful Day

No wish for Husband left bereaved.

The Night before they’d hid so well

To watch the Solstice Dancing Crones;

The next day Lost! For Ancient Spell!

She’d fallen through the Standing Stones.

She tumbled, spinning! Flash of Light!

Then back to Earth, she tried to Cope;

But guns and cries did give her Fright

Now Lost and Helpless, stripped of Hope.

Then Evil came and took its place

Before her stood a Deadly Foe;

A Wicked man, Beloved Face

A Secret buried long ago.

Then came a rescue! Clansmen fought,

The Scottish fighters, Fearsome bold;

She found a Love she never sought

Forever in her Heart to hold.

This Virgin Lad so sweet and brave

Did win her over, kept her Safe;

And then his Soul, to her he gave,

A fact that made for Others' Chafe.

The Era was so Magical

Where Nessie freely roamed The Loch

But there were those more Practical

Like Jamie, Laird of Lallybroch.

The sadist Black Jack Randall forced

The need for Claire and Jamie wed;

Which led for married Lass, of course

To Duty bound on Marriage Bed.

But Consummation was not all

That throve above the Revelry

A Revelation felt by all

Would show that They were meant to be.

And so the Frasers' lives did Blaze

Their journeys, Wondrous, still enthrall

Diana’s stories still Amaze

Her Spirit captivates us All.