OUTLANDER EPISODE 10: The P.R.U.D.E Necessity

I am a P.R.U.D.E. And Starz needs to hire me. 

Quickly.

For those not in the know (which means everyone, since I just made it up) a PRUDE is an acronym for a Practical Reality and Ugly Detail Expert.

  

It is rather the antithesis of the prudishness it conjures, oddly enough, but essential for episodes like #10 that are severely lacking in practical realism and the ugly details that make fantasy more believable. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the show for the most part, but the Devil is in the details, as they say.

  

The following are things a PRUDE would note and demand changed. Consider this part of my résumé:

The opening scene was unique in that in all of television history, there was absolutely NO cinematic foreplay or indicator that explicit sex was coming at you from the get-go. It was the nervous-pimply-teenager-in-the-back-seat-with-the-school-slut of all Openers. BANG...straight to business baby!

 

This, in itself, is not anything I had issue with, but it DID have tens of thousands of women scrambling for their vibrators quicker than they had anticipated and cursing Starz for not giving ample warning, or at least a few seconds of make-out music, so they could put their wine glass down. I may invest in the stocks of these holster dildos…always handy and ready for quick usage. They are flying off Costco shelves as we speak.

(Speaking of vibrators, I would bet my prized Ceramic Chicken Collection that the opening sequence will become the highest viewed looped scene in YouTube history)

Good or bad, this is something a PRUDE would note and leave up for consideration.

So, what do we see here in this screen shot of the opening scene?

Well, Jamie has obviously been forced to come up for air while enjoying his breakfast at the Snack Bar (the breakfast of Champions, I may add) and that is where we can see the first lack of detail and realism: can you see it?

  
If you said ‘a curiously dry mouth’, you would be right (and competition for my job with Starz, so bugger off). With all Claire’s moaning (did anyone else hear her squeak out the name ‘Frank’?) one would conclude that the strappin’ lad has become a very good student of the 'Art du La Oral Sexulatie' (everything sounds better in fake French, don't you think?) and if so, one must wonder then why there is no sheen of pleasure on his mouth. At the risk of sounding indelicate, anyone who has had a proper Lady Blowjob knows it is a wet and wild ride. If not right then, then surely after he dives back in with a half loop and double twist to eagerly finish the job. He doesn’t even wipe his mouth before opening the door! *which I will address later

  

I admit to a rare guffaw when Jamie raises his head and furrows his brow to croak out a angry ‘No!’ and goes back in with a ferocity and gusto one only sees in cartoons and pie eating contests.

Since Claire didn’t bring along a copy of the Kama Sutra, one can only smile and wonder at how she was able to teach the unworldly Jamie how humans do the things that horses/animals don’t do naturally in the wild. Unless he happened to see these monkeys in King Louis exotic zoo?

              I know nobody will be offended because this is actually very tasteful jungle sex.

Next up would be something I can only call a willful desire for Starz to either 

1) incense Frank fans or 

2) show they need the PRUDE who had obviously been cut from Production Cost because of our exorbitant salaries. 

I am talking about the shot of Jamie’s head being held between Claire’s legs with a hand boldly displaying Frank’s wedding ring, shining in all its betrayed glory like the gleam in the eye of a pimp counting his pile of snatch money.

                                Frank in-between Claire's legs once more...kinda. 

Not cool.

Another noticeable detail omitted from the opening scene would be the need for Jamie to at least wipe his mouth before opening the door to Murtagh. Again, perhaps this is indelicate but a quick ‘subconscious’ wipe of the chin would have been a clever way of making the sex act look real. He didn't have to spit a pube onto the floor but come on, his nose to nose talk with Murtagh should have at least seen the older man look a little repulsed with Jamie’s tuna sandwich breath wafting over his face. 

  
Sex smells. An erotic fragrance, but there nonetheless.

I guess PRUDES just appreciate the down and dirty in the Down and Dirty.

Speaking of dirty, Geillis remained surprisingly clean and fresh after her role in the meadow. And since we get to see her chest as it is offered to the God’s of Knocking Off First Wives, I can only assume Starz has gone boob crazy and there will soon be a #Nipplegate to bitch over when they add scenes that offer us full frontal nudes of LegHair's hooters, Mrs. Fitz’s titzs and maybe even Jocasta’s jugs (that last saw the sun circa 1695 under the guidance of the randy butler Ulysses). 

Thank God they spared us Mrs. Baird's Bosoms.

Next, we have a serious reality check: the second UNNECESSARY LOVE TRIANGLE (ULT). The first ULT was, of course, Jamie/Claire/Frank. It was always a triangle, but in the books it wasn’t a LOVE triangle, as we didn’t see a lot of love between Frank and Claire (for reasons I hope are explained later on by Frank's PTSD from his hidden and heroic 007 days in the war). 

Frank was the ‘meh’ husband easily dismissed, but Starz made him a Tour de Force and our new love for him messes up so much! (see my Franklander post here for a detailed explanation). Now they have done a similar fuckup with the Dougal/Geillis/Maura triangle that never was supposed to be a biggie. In the book Dougal’s wife was a non-entity and even though Dougal obviously respected her and thought very highly of his newly deceased wife (which was endearing and made us respect Dougal a wee bit more), he did not go crazyapeshit over her death and act as though he wasn’t allowed to buy a new My Little Pony… 

*kudos to Grahma McTavish for surviving the Viagra Tantrum he was forced to act out. That sucker must have felt like it lasted at least 4 hours…

Again, like other episodes, the overacting was not a good actor's fault. It was the director. He told him what to do and it makes no sense with the upcoming scenes where we see the Murderess Geillis’ husband puke and perish whilst she and Dougal exchange lustful, knowing smiles that make Dougal the secret accomplice.Their glee was so tangible that Colum looked back and forth at them with his mouth agape, like he was watching Roger Federer and Donald Trump playing a round of tennis in thong Speedos: a complete WTF? moment.

It is yet another deviation from the book that needlessly takes away an important set character trait: that nice thought of Dougal being kinda sweet for his love of Maura...all gone. He is now a complete MacPrick *although his one-liner ‘I said kiss’er not swallow’er.’ made me laugh out loud and reminded me he wasn’t without his charms

I can only guess which ULT will be next: perhaps with Brianna/Roger/Stephen, where Roger confesses to having a Pirate Fetish and has a fling with Stephen Bonnet and plays Walk My Plank the night before he gets tied in the tide. It would make as much sense as any of the others and create an opportunity for a little male nipple time to balance the score.

  
Which brings us to Claire. I had heard that her hair was an issue but could not see why when I watched the show, except to say her dye job was off a tad (black around her face and light brown above) but again, not something a PRUDE would bother with much, unless the bi-color became too much more obvious in the up-sweep:

There is one thing near the end of the episode that wasn't very important but still irked me: when Claire hurried of to Geillis' house, the servant opened the door, took one quick look at Claire, nodded quickly and they both hurried in, just like if Claire had been called and expected. Normally not a problem but it clashed with Geillis saying she didn't call for her. A non-book reader would have though it contradictory I think. If not, well, they had better not dream of becoming a PRUDE. 

Happily, there is not much else I would, as a professional, have suggested except to say for THREE MAJOR additions that would have made E10 the best one yet:

1) Having The Duke of Sandringham, the juicy cherry atop this melting parfait, in every scene…somewhere, anywhere. Have him under beds or in the closets...wiping Ned Gowan's glasses...braiding Colum's hair...make something up! God knows they do that at every turn, so why not do it for a good reason! He would rock any space he’s in.

2) More Frank flashbacks.

3) More Murtagh. To be specific, show more of his eyebrows. They are an entity unto themselves and pretty well steal every scene they are in. Do I exaggerate? I don’t think so. They even have their own Twitter account. Ishityounot: Murtagh’s Eyebrows.

I think there should be Twitter accounts called Claire’s Nipples, Jamie’s Scars, Dougal’s Beard (LOL!There is one! linked), Colum’s Ankles and Geillis’s Forehead…but will leave it to the Outlander Fandom that dallies in such trivialities. I am busy enough trying to shield my perspicacious senses from the shows as it is. *yes, that has been a favorite word of mine for years, ever since hearing it for the first time in Topsy Turvy, a most under-appreciated and marvelous movie

  

That is why I write this blog...it's cathartic. Cuz it ain’t easy being a PRUDE.

Starz: call me maybe.
___________________________________________


**The Outlander group I admin has been very supportive and lots of fun...and this came out of one discussion about how...ummm...wet..Jamie's face should have been. *giggle*

 

OUTLANDER: The Boobgate Scandal Examined

The Spanking Scene was one thing.

  
Boobgate is quite another.

We were prepared, in print, for the former scene, where Jamie Fraser punished his wife Claire for her dangerous disobedience by whipping her bare bottom with a belt. There are two opinions that have deeply divided the fan base into #TeamSpankingIsAbuseAndJamieIsABrute and #TeamThat’sTheWayTheyDidShitThenSoCalmTheFuckDown. Social media is abuzz with the debate. Personally, I am on Team #TTWTDSTSCTFD and thought Starz handled the scene well. *Yes, I actually said something positive about the Adaptation…please lift your hand and close your gaping mouth.

But Boobgate was not in any of the books and was unexpected. And it is causing another deep divide in the fan base. Boobgate, as pictured below, is when Jamie let his hand be placed on *LegHair’s boob and then left it there for a tad TOO long. (*sorry…I just bloody love the sound of LegHair in my head when writing it...can’t quit it).

             *Note the curved fingers in mid-squeeze. Oh Jamie...what have ye dun laddie?

                                                          For those in denial:

    And there was hand-caressing and kisslettes, 

don't forget.. 

                                             
                                            Then...

                                          He looks like that with Claire too, right?

Many are saying that Jamie is getting creepy now, or at least is not living up to the Dream that is Jamie Fraser…that he has a ‘chink in his armor’ *or armour? He is a Nicked Knight. A Hero Sandwich with a bite taken out (okay, I will stop now) and others are saying he is just an inexperienced newlywed kid who was tempted but was not truly unfaithful, and should be forgiven. Most are expressing each view quite passionately, because, believe me, Outlander fans are nothing if not Passionistas! *forgive the idiom but it had to be said *wink*

Unlike the Saintly BookJamie, TVJamie is rather flawed. Therein lies the debate: Was Jamie's persona forever damaged in the show because he seemed to desire LegHair and copped a feel? And indeed he DID! You can see how he gives a very quick squeeze (see gif above) and cups the top of the Offending Boobage before letting his hand linger…so yea…in most places, that could be called foreplay or even sexual assault. *OMG! I hope Starz doesn’t go there…a Highland CSI Crime Unit takes fingerprints off the creamy white chest of the vindictive and spurned LegHair and imprisons Jamie for Statutory Squeezing!

In the largest FaceBook Outlander fan forum (that I moderate) called 'Outlander Series FaceBook Group', there are lively discussions going on to whether Jamie was just an innocent who was being kind to a young girl and letting her down gently, or if he was just a jerk and not controlling himself like a decent husband should, and really doesn’t love Claire as deeply as he does in the books.

Well, I say there is a test to find out. 

Ask yourself this question:

“If the roles were reversed and a newly married woman held hands with a young man she knew was crushing on her, and allowed her hand to be guided to his newly exposed penis to gently squeeze it and let it linger for a while as he talked of his love and almost succeeded in kissing her…would THAT have been okay? Would you think her temptation and touchy/feely/squeezy/horndogginess decent or honorable…or her love for her husband very strong? Would you think her obvious lust just 'natural' and your good opinion of her unaltered?

If YES, then welcome to #TeamJamieIsOnlyHumanOkay? If NO, then welcome to its #TeamJamieIsAManWhore 

*I am #TeamQuitChangingTheBloodyCharactersPersonalitiesAndAddingFuckedUpScenes

Book adaptations are always hard and changes must be made...but NOT to the main protagonist's strongest character trait! BookJamie, who we truly adore, is gallant, trustworthy and chivalrous. Loyal. MADLY in love with Claire. He is indeed the King of Men! TVJamie is just average. Well, below average actually because newlyweds are usually still smitten/fresh enough to desire only their wives. And that is the problem in a nutshell. Average guys can cop a feel and walk away from temptation...provoked temptation at that. The Jamie's of the world are never tempted...even a little. They certainly dont do to a 16 yr old girl what the above gifs show. Later on, even in the brothel scenes in the book, does Jamie not really get tempted...just horny. He caresses nobody's hands sweetly, gives not one sexy, short-of-breath kisslette and does not enjoy a wee bit-o boobage with lusty fingers.

The next episode should be interesting, especially since the story can, apparently, ricochet off the page and into God knows where with the snap of the fingers! Maybe we’ll see Claire fall into another Standing Stone and end up aboard the Battlestar Galactica or married to a Cylon somewhere.

Who I hope is played by Tobias Menzies.

He’d be kickass even in a metal costume…

**Late additions that popped in my mind during OS group discussions of this post and E9: 

       Jamie holding LegHair's snow white boob seemed familiar somehow... Ah! now I remember...

                   Official Music Video For Episode #9: 
                    'You Can't Touch This' by MC Hammer!

WHOA!! Diana replied to this blog post on Twitter! She does not agree with the 'boob=penis theory' I have...that each is a sexual zone and therefore equal in DO NOT TOUCHINESS. Interesting...

We replied back and forth a bit but my final say to tweeters was: Breasts are a sexual part of a woman's body that give women 2 areas with equal import to 1 dick IMHO. 

 Debating book related topics is part of the fun of blogs and I thank Diana for her opinions and responses...it is a privilage to have her pick mine out for ANY reason. 

*smiles and munches on popcorn* 

This expresses my feelings a bit better and yes, I chose a flesh colored background *smile*: 

Last one...promise. *smirk*

Interesting views and reactions:

from Atomic1cflea

And a BRILLIANT quote from our group member who said it best, when told not to 'nit-pick' or complain etc...