MEDIA-WHORING PSEUDO-MASOCHISTIC BOOTLICKER: a.k.a. The Self-Publisher

Define Media Whore:  ‘A person who has a psychological need to get into TV, Film, Radio or Print’

Define Masochist:  ‘A person who obtains sexual pleasure by inflicting pain or suffering upon themselves’

Define Bootlicker: ‘An obsequious or overly deferential person; a toady’

                                                                        

                                                                     *

Now that we have established what these terms mean, we can evaluate why I have come to the conclusion that I have become a perfect example of the combination of them. And if you have ever written anything to sell...you will be one too. Sorry. It's the nature of the beast, I'm afraid.

First, let me assure you that I am not degrading myself (or you). This may seem illogical considering the individual words, but truly, my evolution into a Media Whoring Pseudo-Masochistic Bootlicker M.W.P.M.B. (sorry, it’s not a clever acronym but I couldn’t figure out how to make S.E.X.K.I.T.T.E.N work) has been enlightening, liberating and, I must say, a whole lot of fun.

The addition of the prefix ‘pseudo’ was meant to dilute the intensity of the sexual slant of the word, but it was necessary as I simply I do not 'get off' from self-publishing and marketing my books. I just suck in the pain and suffering part of it all and like skipping gramaphone record, repeat, repeat, repeat. I do get a huge thrill after clicking the ‘submit manuscript’ button on Amazon KDP Select, but it's hardly orgasmic. Sure, I get slightly dizzy, light up a pilfered cigarette and have to cuddle the nearest pillow for a minute afterwards, but doesn’t everyone?

When I finished writing my novel The Saving of NATION, I made a grand effort to SP (Self-Publish) it. I had SP two other books before, but never really tried to sell them, thinking that the sheer brilliance of my writing and genius premises would attract large swaths of agents and publishers, like the Devout running to a statue of The Virgin Mary bleeding from the eyes. However, I was soon introduced to the thoroughly obnoxious Mr. Reality, after receiving dozens of rejection letters. And now, as they say in the SP biz, I agree with the generally accepted SP Motto “The writing is the easy part”. Yes…the promoting/schlepping is absolute killer: finding an eye or ear big enough to help get your work on top of the Heap That Never Shrinks. 

For a long while, I was the petulant child, huffing form indignation, turning my back on the writing world who was shunning me, and vowed to never write again.

It didn't last.

I would check out that self-publishing thing...

So, that is what I did, and am doing. I Self-Published, then set out to promote, spotlight, highlight, advertise and generally shove my book down as many throats as humanly possible without getting bitten. The fact is, we SP will do almost anything to get published. It's what we live for, dream about and work hard for. 

I started out with the usual ‘FFF&T’ (family, friends, FaceBook & Twitter). I got very lucky and had a famous author, Ian Ferguson, hop on board and kindly offer me a pull-out quote for promotions which I am flogging to death, but then I realized that the new trend towards creating book trailers was a massive attention getter, so I taught myself to make them which was, besides giving birth, the most ball-busting experience a scrotum-less female has ever survived. But survive I did and I am pleased with the results, especially for NATION (click on red highlight) which made it easy for me to offer my video-baby up for sharing on YouTube, but hoping, deep in my heart, that a King Solomon-like publisher will sweep in and make a judgement call, taking my baby away and giving it to its new mother: the buying public.

But for now I will hone my yet-undiscovered skills and continue my 100% Guaranteed Successful 6 Point SP Marketing System (that has never worked for me or anyone else):

1) Tweet dozens and dozens of journalists, magazines and newspapers around the world saying succinctly, in 140 characters or less, that MY NEW HIT NOVEL (my white lies can blind the unprotected eye) is the next best thing since sliced bread…dipped in Baily’s Irish Crème

2)  Write publishers and agents praising them for their astute business senses, keen eyes for talent and sexy on-line profile pictures. Offer them fur coats, champagne and your first born child (or the 3rd, if he/she is anything like mine!);

3) ‘LIKE' hundreds of random forums and add links to your books on sale or your websites (like my blog Parca's Chosen and my website: http://www.denisesevierfries.com/ ...see, I warned you... Media Whore) and shake things up once in a while and caption these posts with an eye-catching 'SEX SEX and MORE SEX!' title, then apologize for the trick;

4) Use pictures for the author's photo that are at least 20 years old. Sex sells and having one chin and my own teeth is definitely a more attractive look. It isn't lying...it's still 'me'. *Actually, I seem to be getting younger in every picture I use, so if you ever come across a book with a fetus on the back cover's author profile...that's me;

5) Continue to e-mail, Face Book, twitter and generally pester the rich and powerfully-connected like Oprah, Dr. Phil, Brad Pitt, Stephen Spielberg and Iron Man. 

And yes, I will continue to write books that tell the myriad stories trapped in my shrinking, greying head and I will not judge those SP writers who are trying as hard as I am to be the best MWPMB that they can be. I know I am not alone. I live on writer's forum boards and enter writing contests whenever possible, and if someone comes up with a group that can actually make S.E.X.K.I.T.T.E.N a useful writing-oriented group name, I'm in.