TIPS FOR NEW OUTLANDER FANS
1) Say goodbye to your life as you now know it. It will be forever changed. Whether it is how you see your husband (in comparison to Jamie Fraser or Murtagh, Dougal, etc…) or how you will view corn. Change is inevitable.
2) You will no longer enjoy anyone else’s company and the very thought of putting your book down, or turning off the show, will make your palms sweat, heart race and you may, or may not, develop a nervous twitch.
3) Managing your time, laundry, family meals, after-school activities (if you have children), housework and basic life functions will become secondary to finding out what part of Claire, Jamie is going to nibble on next.
4) The physical concerns of being an Outlander fan will soon become apparent: 1) you have gained 46 pounds because you cannot read or watch Outlander without wine/cheese and other munchies …and it is illegal in 32 States and Canada (and all European countries ending in a vowel) to do either without an IV of melted milk chocolate dripping steadily into your arm (nuts/almonds not recommended as they get stuck in the tube) OR, conversely, 2) you lose an average of 4 pounds a week from not being able to stop reading/watching long enough to actually get up and find food to eat. If you have nobody close by to toss you a muffin or slide a pizza under your door once in a while, make it 8 pounds.
5) Stock up on Kleenex tissue or double ply toilet paper. Depending on how hard you tend to cry at gut wrenching scenes and how hard you blow your schnoz, either will suffice. Tissues are more polite and aesthetically appealing and recommended if you are reading/watching with company but if all alone, I find 8 rolls of toilet paper fit on a broom handle and can lean conveniently close by your chair for easy access. You can roll the tissue right off the broom handle. Have a large garbage can nearby as well and arrange with City Hall for daily garbage pick-up. It costs extra to have them actually come into your living room to gather the can. But worth it.
6) Fair warning ought to be given, in writing, to one’s husband/ boyfriend/ girlfriend/lover/cute-new-stranger, that explains clearly that Outlander tends to horn up the masses and rampant spontaneous sex is virtually guaranteed. Acceptance in the fact that one may be screwing like rabid rabbits at least once a week (dependent on one’s tv schedule) or nightly (dependent on ones reading habits or ability to record shows). Extra Life Insurance is recommended for mature coupes or seniors.
7) By all means, join an Outlander online book/show club for they are SO much fun and can be a source of amazing friendship and camaraderie, but ALWAYS READ THE RULES of the group first before joining. They are as varied as the groups themselves and believe me when I say, you do NOT want to ask for a Spoiler Alert in a group that clearly allows Spoilers. Hospitals wards are overflowing with victims of that unforgivable faux pas.
8) At the risk of sounding indelicate, one may want to stock up on batteries for their ‘Pleasure Sticks’ should any of the aforementioned sex/love partners be unwilling, unable or uncomfortable with your reading/tv based sexual needs. Best stock up on Vaseline as well. Don’t want to be starting any fires. *NOTE: vibrator sales have rocketed since Starz introduced Outlander to the fandoms, so a wide variety is available in Plaid and Corn shapes…
9) Invest in a storage facility close to home, as you will be unable to stop buying used books of Diana Gabaldon’s, justifying to yourself that you WILL send them off as gifts or starter sets to friends or family who are not yet fans …someday. Some year. Whenever. Each book is like a wee best friend and WHO can leave a best friend alone on a table…unappreciated and unwanted? *Especially when the original one cost you $35.00 and that one is in the 50 cent box! Exactly.
10) If not yet married, try and marry a man named Jamie. It will save you a lot of embarrassment and perhaps exorbitant divorce lawyer fees when you inevitably scream (or moan) out his name in your sleep or during wild jungle sex. *If this is too late for you, here is a toll free number for my old lawyer: 1-800-NOT-JAMIE
11) Start saving your spare change and/or gift money in a jar immediately. You will want to tour Scotland someday and even if you have to skimp and save until you are 108, you will still want to go. The romance of the Scottish Highlands will seep into your bones and pull you forever, so seriously, start saving now.
12) And finally, if at all possible, join a church or a cult that practices serenity, forbearance and forgiveness, because it takes the patience of a fucking Saint to wait until the next book or season is out.