CONDOM INSURANCE

This email exchange had me laughing out loud and I needed to share. I have hidden the insurance lady's name for her protection. Not that she could get fired from her job, but from an influx of requests for this very select insurance...

CONDOM INSURANCE

THIS IS AN EMAIL I GOT AFTER ASKING FOR AN INSURANCE QUOTE FOR MY APARTMENT LAST WEEK:

From: ---------
To: denisesf5@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: Insurance quote
Date: Tue, 13 Aug 2013 18:08:18 +0000
Hi Denise,
Sorry about that, I understand that your premium would have been less before with your condom policy. This is a “tenants package” which do tend to be more that an “owned” property policy.
Thanks!
__________________________________
MY REPLY:
Hi -----,

Hmmm...I have never heard of a 'condom' policy before...but I imagine it offers good protection against unwanted tenants in small places.

Cheers...and thanks for the giggle of the day!
Denise
___________________________________

THE RESPONSE:
OMG, Im sorry, Condominium.

*I wonder, as a mother of 5, if I should have written "My old condom policy is full of holes..." ?

The Saving of NATION: The Story of Hitler's Son

My new YOUTUBE Book Trailer Video:

   

I LOVE YOU ELEVENTEEN ~ book trailer

ELEVENTEEN

The birth of a story.

One night while tucking my youngest child in bed, we went through our usual routine of bedtime stories, hugs, kisses, etc…and when I was leaving the room, she called to me and said, “Mama, I love you SO much!”

For fun, I replied, “How much is so much?” and she began to count off on her wee fingers,

“I love you 1, 2, 3, 4, 7, 9, 13, 11-teen!”

It was one of those flash-freeze moments that tattoo themselves permanently to your heart. I think every mother has a moment or ten like that for each of their kids held safe inside and it keeps us warm. I remember thinking to myself as I shut off her light and walked out the door, that if I had to write a test to get into Heaven, this would be one of the questions. Proof my life was well-lived and well-loved.

So the premise of my little book was born and I wrote it way back in 2003, and not knowing who would publish or buy a non-denominational story about Heaven, love and children, it has been gathering dust on a shelf ever since.

But now, with the advent of ebooks and Smashwords publishing, I have put it for sale online and hope it takes flight.

Here is the link and the descriptions…I hope you help to spread the word!

Short description

You will have to write a test to get into Heaven. Who knew? And you have to have a perfect score! What is the Key to writing this test? Tad Carson hadn't a clue. He didn't even know where he was or what to do. But God knew the answers. And Tad found out. So will you. This is a story of Faith, Love, and Heaven. It is a story for the whole family, about family. A small book with a big message.

Extended description

Tad Carson is a man who has discovered that he must write a test to enter into The Kingdom of Heaven…and he needs a perfect score! As unlikely as it seems, it is very easy to pass and he is not the only one who has to take it. Certain people will find it a joy to write, and others will find it a burden and a condemnation. Do you know the Key to Salvation? If you are a parent or guardian, you might be judged by a different standard than others.

Sometimes it is the little things in life that matter the most.

This man's Final Journey may be the one that helps you with yours.
 

THE CON ARTIST

If a child is being too quiet, they are up to no good.

Truer words were never spoken.

While renovating our bedroom, we realized we hadn’t heard a peep from our youngest daughter Katharina (who was just over 3 years old at the time) for over 15 minutes. I had set her up with an easel, paper and paints in her bedroom just down the hallway and told her to create a masterpiece for us while we were busy tearing down a wall.

Quietly peeking into her room to see what she was up to, I was startled to see that she had stripped off all her clothes and was happily painting, wearing nothing but  a pair of sparkly, ruby red dress shoes that were too small on her. She must have dug them up from her closet for she hadn’t worn them for a long time.

As her back was towards the door, she hadn't seen me, so I tiptoed back to get Peter and when we giggled at the priceless scene in front of us, she whirled around in surprise and quickly hid her left hand behind her back.

Looking extremely sheepish, it took some cajoling to get her to show us her hand. With a wary half-smile, she finally lifted it up to us ... and it was completely red!

Denise: (laughing) You painted you hand!

Katharina: I’m finger painting!

Denise: But you do know you shouldn’t paint yourself, honey...and why did you take off all your clothes?

Katharina: (embarrassed) I pee my pants.

Denise: Ah! I see. Well accidents happen once in a while, but you don’t have to take off all your clothes! And why are you wearing those shoes? They don’t fit you anymore!

Katharina: (averts eyes; dead silence)

Denise: Now take them off and I’ll get you some clean clothes and your slippers.

Katharina: No!

A little perplexed, I tried to talk her out of her shoes, but she adamantly refused. It was time to get sneaky. Ya don’t mess with Mama.

I cheerfully told her that since she had had an ‘accident' and needed to wash her painted hand right away, she might as well have an early bath. Instantly thrilled, she shrieked and ran as fast as she could to her bathroom! Bathtime was the ultimate funtime in her small world.

As the water ran and she threw in her bath toys, I casually reminded her to take off her shoes before getting in the tub. She quickly pulled them off and immediately realized her mistake. Looking down at her horror-stricken face, I glanced down further and saw two perfectly green feet!

That was why she had crammed on the first shoes she could find in her closet! Too small or not, she was hiding the evidence. A 3 year old shyster! Maybe she’d grow up to be a lawyer.

Now we never say anyone is caught red-handed, but green-footed!

DARTH VADER CHEWBACCA JONES? WHY NOT?

Has there any child been more aptly named than Richie Rich? 

Speaking of names...

Do you know where you’d be if you saw this list of given names? (no surnames added):

Daisy Boo

Zowie

Poppy Honey

Camera

Seven Sirius

Puma

Diva Muffin

Blue Angel

Jermajesty

Moon Unit

Dweezil

Rufus Tiger

Tiger Lily

Sailor

Kal-el (*Superman’s birth name)

Fifi Trixibelle

Little Pixie

Peaches Honeyblossom

Ever Gabo

Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily

Banjo

Free

Spec Wildhorse

Rumer

Moxie Crimefighter

Pilot Inspektor

Bogart

Reignbeau (pronounced: Rainbow)

Freedom

Rocket 

Elijah Bob Patricius Guggi Q. Hewson

Kyd

Racer

Destry
Rebel
Rogue

Audio Science

Sage Moonblood

And of course...the infamous Apple.

Yes...you guessed it! You’d be in Hollywood! If everyone listed here went to the same school at the same time, this would be the graduation list of children of the rich and famous. Nothing life or death, for sure, but an interesting study of the celebrity mind nonetheless. And I admit, a good chuckle.

I will break the rule here and mention just one surname: actor Rob Morrow named his daughter Tu. As in Tu Morrow. 

It must be a medical condition. Some people are just born without the DumbAssIdea gland that monitors ones judgment. It is usually located directly behind the Pituitary gland.

I don’t know...it just seems to me that childhood can be hard enough for some kids without the added stress of a cocaine-inspired moniker. Would you name your kid ‘Fire’? How could you ever call his name out loud without causing widespread panic?

*NOTE- I wave all responsibility for influencing any celebrity who now names their child ‘Fire’. If you have issues with this, call my lawyer. Her name  Krook Skumsucker Brandt. She's in the Yellow Pages.