OUTLANDER 112: DR. BLACK JACK DDS AND HIS ROOT (of all evil)

Black Jack Randall is a dentist.

And that explains a LOT.

  

The most reviled character since Voldemort has been hiding his white lab coat under his British Red Coat.

  

This is no wild accusation of a wine-soaked, middle-aged woman who was once married to a dentist and sees juxtapositions of her ex in every nasty character on the screen, painting them all with one bitter brush. In fact, in the spirit avoiding an ugly lawsuit, I will offer a disclaimer that my thoughts on this post are in any way connected to my ex. *I don’t want him to get a penny back from what my amazing lawyer settled for me. My opinions are generalized and point to no one person. Promise; cross my fingers; pinky swear. 

You see…I know a dentist when I see one. I was a dental assistant for over 5 years and a dentist’s wife who helped run the practice (and socialized with them) for 14 years so I can say with confidence that I am qualified to speak with some authority on the subject.

Like a Beauty Pageant contestant with a Class II Div I Malocclusion, I can spot a dentist in a crowd from a mile away.

Like the teeth above, dentists stand out. They cannot hide from me. Even if they are in a television set. I can smell the pungency of their v̶i̶c̶t̶i̶m̶'̶s̶ patients' fears radiate from their every pore. 

The unmistakeable aura of the Type A personality practically vibrated off of Jack Randall in this episode but it wasn’t until he took Jenny upstairs for her unwanted body cavity invasion (read: dental examine) did it hit me what his inner demon really was: A DDS a.k.a. Doctor of Dental Surgery or, as what readily comes to mind when thinking of BJR, a Demented Dick Squeezer. *he WAS doing a lot of dick squeezing in 112

Most people saw BJR’s finger, filthy with the innocent blood of her beaten and broken brother, probe Jenny’s mouth in a grotesque, sadistic kind of sexual foreplay, but I saw it as an exam. Here...let me show you:

                                            Open wide....

                                         ... checking the bite...oral tissue exam...

                                                    ...a diastema? Gum disease?

Looks pretty obvious once you know what to look for, right? I told you. 

A narcissistic sadist of wealth and position that is hated and feared, and has access to torture devices...and who is in charge and must be obeyed. BJR or a dentist? 

Exactly.

 

As a DA who has assisted dental surgeries on trauma victims from car accidents, I had to question the believability of the CTTF (Club To The Face) scene. True, said club was only a candle stick, but it was a mighty hefty one that looked big and solid enough to be used as Ian’s spare peg leg…

…and it should have, at the very least, left a wee mark on Dr. Black Jack’s face after such a pounding or given him a TMJ (TMD) problem. 

As it was, it looked like he is also an ancestor of The Thing of Marvel Comics Fantastic Four fame...

Not a single bump or a chip off the old noggin. No blood. Nada. And he acted like he never even felt it. Impressive? Or Novocaine.

Exactly.

I confess to not being up on the common dental practices in 1700 Scotland, but I wager that patients then, as now, regard their being taken to their dental chair, or out of it, much like the picture below. Or at least how it felt they were treated when they said they couldn’t pay.

That brings us to the root of all evil, the evil root. 

I have named Dr. Black Jack's penis Lil’ Nessie because it reminds me of another lizard-like creature in Scotland that is shy to rise in front of people and commands a wondrous worldwide fascination with its very existence. (#Penisgate) Big Nessie may be a long, green mysterious creature but Lil’ Nessie seems a fine, stocky pink fella with one eye for both the lads and lassies…in a 50 Shades of Flay, sadomasochistic kind of way. *I was going to say The Cock Ness Monster but thought it a little on the nose

Bypassing the obvious quips about avoiding a painful root c̶a̶r̶n̶a̶l̶  canal, and filling and drilling etc... I will say that BJR proves correct the stats that reveal dentistry as the profession having the highest rate of suicide, divorce and alcoholism. Dr. Black Jack has driven men to suicide, is divorced from all human emotions…

… and loves his S̶c̶o̶t̶s̶ Scotch.

And finally, yes...it is true. BJR has a very bad case of *gingervitis.

 

*Bragging rights to those who get this joke in relation to Outlander

**BONUS PICTURE**

Do you think the original Starz poster would have given too much away?

HEADLINE HUNTER

We don’t have TV.

We have TV’s...but we don’t watch TV. Subtle but important difference. We got rid of all cable, satellite and local television 2 years ago in an attempt to see if we could survive without them.

We can.

Commercial infested television that grates your teeth after replaying the same LSD-inspired commercial ten times in an hour, and paying for 300 channels we didn’t want, need or use, finally drove us over the edge and we decided to experiment with quitting TV cold turkey. 

Easy Weezy Lemon Squeezy.

Between our 700+ books and 1500+ movies, we are not want for entertainment, but I still need a daily fix of CNN News, CBC News and The Daily Show, with a smattering of Hot in Cleveland. This, and a lot more, I easily find on-line. All COMMERCIAL FREE!

Another bonus to keeping in touch with the world on my computer is that I save a ton of cash denying Shaw and Bell from entering our living room. And I get a hell of a lot more info reading my ‘web-newspaper’ with my morning coffee than I ever did watching long, drawn out broadcasts on television. At the click of a key, I get a wide variety of news from around the world with my Froot Loops, customized to my interests. (Peter gets his news from Germany with his Schnitzel und Bratwurst)

One channel cannot possibly cover the diverse news coverage I get in one morning, and never as fast. For example, here is one morning of REAL headlines (honest!)... and believe me, Froot Loops was a most appropriate cereal that day:

Man has ‘mini’ tattooed on penis to win car

Andreas Muller, 39, decided to have the rather painful tattoo applied after a radio station ran a competition to win a £20,000 Mini Cooper. Radio listeners were then treated to Muller’s cries of agony while the unique piece of branding was created.

Woman rescues husband in tiger attack

A villager in Malaysia has his wife to thank after she charged a tiger that had pounced on him in the forest. Han Besou, 55, who was several feet away, heard the screams of her husband and charged the tiger with a large soup spoon, bopping it on the head, a local paper reported. The animal fled.

German man calls fire brigade to rescue beer he left on train

A 44-year-old man smashed the emergency glass on a fire alarm at Kaiserslautern train station when after stepping off, he realized his beloved beer was still on-board and leaving without him. As well as the shame of realizing his stupidity, the unnamed man was also left with an injured hand where he smashed the glass. 

Ingesting Poo Be Good for You?

Recently, the Journal of Clinical Gastroenterology published research suggesting that, in certain cases, patients suffering from the nasty ‘clostridium difficile’ bug may need fecal transplants or "transpoosions." Although antibiotics are now the first mode of attack, a growing number of doctors believe that, in some cases, injecting excrement either by enema or through a gastric tube inserted in the nose is more effective.

Witches to face prison for false predictions

Romanian witches and fortunetellers are cursing a new bill that threatens fines or even prison time if their predictions don't come true. Superstition is a serious matter in the land of Dracula, and officials have turned to witches to help the recession-hit country collect more money and crack down on tax evasion. Witches argue they shouldn't be blamed for the failure of their tools.

Russia's parasailing donkey dies

Anapka, the Russian donkey whose brays of terror while parasailing won her worldwide sympathy has died. She had been sent up into the sky over a southern Russian beach in a promotional stunt, and the YouTube video of her trip made headlines around the world.

Notorious 84-year-old Hungarian cat burglar 'Flying Gizi' caught again by police

The 84-year-old woman, known as "Flying Gizi," whose criminal record goes back to the 1950s, is again in custody for suspected theft, police said Tuesday. Gizella Bodnar, who has been convicted of over 20 crimes and has spent nearly 18 years in prison, got her nickname because she enjoyed taking domestic commercial flights after successful break-ins. She also published an autobiography in 2007 claiming that she became a kleptomaniac as the result of a youthful bout with meningitis.

Confession app blessed by Catholic bishop

An iPhone and iPad app that helps Roman Catholics seek forgiveness for their sins has been sanctioned by the Catholic Church. The app walks people through confession step by step and it reminds us when their last confessions were and keeps track of sins they have previously confessed. However, absolution or release from the sin can still only come from a priest.

Granny Fights Off 6 Robbers With Her Purse

Ann Timson, a 75-year-old woman, armed with only her handbag, ran across the street to attempt stopping a daylight robbery. Six robbers, armed with sledgehammers, were smashing a jewelry store window in Northampton, England when Ann started hitting them with her purse, breaking up the robbery and making them run away without any jewels. Only after they were running away, did bystanders come to help.

 

So you see, in one day, I garnered a wealth of knowledge that can only aid me in living a richer, better life. I learned...

1) The next time somebody tells you to “Go eat a shit sandwich!” they may only be concerned for your health.

2) Meningitis can fry the section of ones brain that holds ones moral values, and old women can grow balls that clang.

3) Your private, innermost personal gut-wrenching sins that are a soul-searching plea to God and His Eternal Mercy, can now be hacked.

4) Donkeys can fly, but shouldn’t. And advertisers can be real asses.

5) Germans like their beer. A lot.

6)  Instead of burning them at the stake, witches can now be sued. (Voodoo dolls with suits and briefcases are flying off the Wal-Mart shelves in Romania as are pins, needles and matchsticks.)

7)  Anyone tattooing the word mini on their penis must be either very secure in their masculinity or hung like a horse.

8) All one really needs while on safari is a large soup spoon for wild carnivores and perhaps a feather-duster for rampaging elephants.

But there was one main lesson I learned that day:  Flying Gizi got published; now I know what to do.

I can hardly wait till tomorrow...