"Offer your smile to The Fates and you shall feel less their Slave."~ DSF
WHY THIS BLOG?
I AM PARCA'S CHOSEN: My name is Denise Sevier-Fries (nee Buchy).
Parca is the Roman Goddess of Childbirth and Destiny and after you get to know me, you will see why I believe she has, without doubt, made me her Poster Child. Come here for some serious issues, but mainly just some cheeky fun; satire with the odd parody tossed in, and a generous helping of hyperbole, with a dollop of facetiousness.
Sam Heughan riding a unicorn. WFT? Sam Heughan playing poker with monkeys. WTF? Sam Heughan dreaming of a headless plucked chicken with shoes playing hopscotch. WWWWWTTTTFFFF??? And Sam wears a cheesy handlebar moustache the whole time? No...I have not been ingesting hallucinogens. (well, not knowingly. this year.) So, you see...it goes something like this:
1) Tennent's Lager, Can Monkeys
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2) Tennent's Lager, Tents
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3) Tennent's Lager, Hugh's Pride
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4) Tennent's Lager, Export
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5) Tennent's Lager, Too Loud
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6) Tennent's Lager, The New Firm
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7) Tennent's Lager, A Madman's Dream
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So...am I right? El Goofazoid? Exactly. Gotta love it.
(and if you have seen these before and NEVER TOLD ME...well, you just wait...)
I'm not sure if I am happy or sad that I can continue this WTF? series of posts because on one hand, it's fun to write about things that make you go WTF?, but on the other hand, seriously...WTF?
In any case: Round 2...and believe me, this was far too easy to compile and I had to limit myself to only 8:
TOILET PAPER COMMERCIALS:
MAJOR 'WTF?' MOMENTS
1) POOPURRI.COM (a timely example) EVEN SANTA POOPS Don't they have time limits for crap commercials? Seriously, this was long enough for a mini series. And those poor little actress girls? I hope they sue their parents...and agents. WTF?
2) SQUATTY POTTY: This Unicorn Changed the Way I Poop Okay, technically, this is NOT toilet paper related till the very end, but I was so inexplicably mesmerized by the sheer WTFuckiness of this commercial, I had to include it. The worst part? Again...the kids. Where the hell is Social Services when you need them? *sigh* There goes my ice cream cravings, right down the toile...never mind.
3) QUILTED NORTHERN: LITTLE MISS PUFFYTAIL Many thanks, QN, for creeping me out so much with this commercial that right after I shouted WTF? I ran to my bathrooms...all 3 of them, and took out any inanimate object with eyes. And any picture with things with eyes...people, dogs, potatoes...whatever.
4) ROYALE VELOUR
This made me go WTF? because, as a mother of 5 kids who always had friends coming over,I not only would have called the parents of this toilet paper hound to set up a direct deposit banking account for them to pay me for the miles of toilet paper their kid was using on my dime, I would have called Dr. Phil. And not for me. 5) CHARMIN: THE SECRET TO CLEAN UNDERWEAR
WTF? There're kids who wear their underwear only once before tossing them onto the floor next to the laundry basket? I needed to pry them off my kids with a crow bar and even then they would just turn them inside out and put them back on for another week.
6) VINTAGE CHARMIN: 1960 What if I told you that 'Mr. Whipple', the oddball old man who can't control his need to squeeze the 'charmin' was really a convicted sexual predator who was arrested a record number of 104 times in a 3 month period for going up to women and squeezing their breasts in public?
I wouldn't tell you that, because I just made it up, but the fact that he TOTALLY looks like someone who would do that it makes me say WTF? is wrong with the casting director who hired him. Well, I guess it could be worse...Mr. Whipple could have been Mr. Whipitout... 7) PUREX
Yes, I know there are worse things to complain about but seriously, I was a little offended for the fellas with this one. "Women like to touch..." WTF? What about men? They only smell? Taste? Hear? They don't possess this sense, so that's why they use sandpaper to wipe their ass? Sorry Purex, but propagating the ageless and typically negative connotation that men are just insensitive and 'out of touch' is not helping anyone. Especially men, who very much like to touch. Proof, you ask? Sure. Touch Football. There ya go. 8) This next commercial is SO stupid, they won't even put it on YouTube (I tried to find it... nada!) Briefly, it's a mom in her kitchen who gets a text message from her young son who is out playing baseball, and she smiles and says 'Oh, Buddy..." and then grabs a roll of TP and rushes down to the field. The public bathroom is surrounded by bored teammates in minor league baseball uniforms waiting for their friend to hurry up so they can resume the game. Mom passes the TP roll to a little hand that reaches out from the stall for his personal roll of buttbuffer and she smiles apologetically to the team. There is SO much wrong with this ad for entitled children suffering from Affluenza, and the mom who obviously has a sever case of PSS (Parental Self-imposed Slavery), that there isn't enough room in cyberspace for me to fit it all into words, so let it suffice for me to say WTF? *if anyone finds that damn commercial, please post me a link in the comments section...if you are still able to move after the shock of watching it... **BONUS VIDEO: HOWIE MANDEL TOILET PAPER PRANK With over 18 million views this made me say WTF?when Howie thinks this is vandalism. Seriously Howie? Some local teenagers are going to rent a massive truck, crash a gated community and spend approx. 10 million dollars on asswipe just to cause you angst? I love Howie but come on... But I DID have a good laugh when a chunk of TP sticks to his shoe. Watch for it. Classic.
Question: what if it had rained?
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That's all for now...stay tuned for Part 3, whatever that may be. Thanks for popping by and letting me vent. Your community is now safe again.
Do you sometimes watch TV or a movie and find yourself staring, mouth agape and thinking WTF? I do. A lot. Enough to make this a weekly column but let's begin with the ones fresh on my mind. 1) DOWNTON ABBEY I just finished the DA marathon on PBS, Season 1 straight through to Season 6...all of it, end to end, and although my eyes are bleeding and I haven't slept for 159 hours, this little niggling thingy needs to be said: WTF is with Cora's hat in S6 E9? I cannot usually find any fault whatsoever with DA... I am smitten to the nth degree and loved every single moment of it...even that annoying shitforbrains Daisy, but that hat was like nails on a chalkboard. *shiver* It is forgivable, as the show is otherwise Perfection...but still...
Am I the only one who sees Cora's Lisa Simpson hair?
I offer you the proof that the costume department saw this on the screen and shuddered: THIS is the ONLY picture of that hat I could find on the net. It's been tossed...rubbed out...knocked off....it's sleeping with the fishes.
One hopes.
2) NATURE VALLEY GRANOLA COMMERCIAL If you haven't seen this commercial, I must warn you, don't be holding anything sharp or hot in your palm, because it WILL be slapping your forehead as your thinking 'WTF?' It is in my TOP 5 STUPIDESTCOMMERCIALS. EVER.
No. You cannot learn everything you need to know about life from a granola bar. Unless, of course, you are tripping on acid and your wise old Grandpa is actually a talking granola bar.
Otherwise, just fuck off.
3) MAYTAG COMMERCIAL
I am normally not the over-sensitive kind, and can take all kinds of humour, but this Maytag commercial was a big WTF? moment for me. Objectifying any sex seems just so wrong these days. I dunno...but I just felt sad for this actor, who has probably been trying to make in show biz for years and finally got hired, only to act like a THING to be humiliated. It is a cringeworthy sight and I think this guy deserves a bloody good bonus. And free facial reconstruction surgery so he can go out in public again...
What if this was a female actor? Exactly.
4) OUTLANDER STARZ TV SERIES: #Boobgate
The Humanizing of a God. An unexpected and major WTF moment.
The Perfect McHusband, the Scotsman Jamie Fraser, loves his wife so Deeply and Truly, he has singlehandedly reignited more dormant middle-aged libidos, like ancient volcanoes on steroids, for millions upon millions of women around the world. His Devotion, Loyalty and Over50 ego-emboldening love of a 'fine fat arse' and a buxom bosomS is Legend in the Outlander Fandom.
However, the TV series, suffering sever Adaptationitis somehow wrote in a scene (like Outlander's 20 trillion pages didn't have enough storyline already) our Hero cops boobage, willing lead to the Mound Of Sin by its malicious and love-struck teenager LegHair (Laoghaire) and it sent a ripple of horror and angst throughout the Outlander community. The agitated click of knitting needles was deafening!
In an unprecedented Social Media war, sides were chosen and you were either #TeamFallenKing or #TeamJustAGuyThing. I am #TFK and Diana, surprisingly enough, was #TJAGT. This is how we exchanged views on Twitter complete with a T-shirt worthy quote that still makes me say WTF? but in a much more respectful and fangirl-in-awe way.
Creepy: blue, zombie/ghost-like guy who is kinda ugly. I have to avert my eyes when this guy comes on the screen. NO eye contact; evil vibe.
Misogynistic: why show 'money working hard for you' as the stereotypical housekeeping/dishwashing/vacuuming Women's Work thing? Seriously...WTF?
6) DOWNTON ABBEY again (sorry...I lied.)
Sybil dies.
So WTF happened to Hugh Bonneville's excellent acting chops in this episode? Lord Grantham's beloved Sybil is dying before his very eyes, and its all his fault, and he looks like he is watching his favorite soccer team tie a match. He seems rather put-out, but hardly frantic or devastated. The dumbass doctor who misdiagnosed her preeclampsia looks far more upset. Maybe HE is Sybil's real dad? Did I miss an episode?
7) SNOOP DOG AND MARTHA STEWART'S POTLUCK DINNER PARTY
Not since the pairings of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley, Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley, and Rocky and Bullwinkle, have I ever been so gobsmacked about a couple.
Yes, I know Snoopartha (Dogwart?) aren't a 'thing' (now THAT is a picture in my mind's eye that I'll need to acid flush out tonight!) but WTF? How in the hell do they even KNOW each other, let alone get all buddy/buddy, Let's-chill-out...?
Okay...Rockey and Bullwinkle makes sense, in a way...they are woodland creatures who fight crime but that's it. The rest are just Whackadoodle Time.
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Nuff said for now...look for THINGS THAT MAKE ME GO WTF?: The Unbearable Oddness of Being *PART 2(click here) The Unbearable Oddness of Being Part 3 (Click here)
