THINGS THAT MAKE ME GO WTF?: The Unbearable Oddness of Being 'Part 6'

Just when you think that you can't find anything weirder to write about, along come some doozies.

#1 is an interesting WTF? moment but I am embarrassed to have #2 come from Canada, but it really earned a giant WTF? from me when I read it. The Queen on our Loonies blushed and the Beaver on our nickels just shook its head and dove under the water.

You'll see why soon enough...

1) BRA SIZES ARE BULLSHIT

Thank God for this article (LINK) ! I feel relieved and NOT the crazyassboobfreak I thought I was for so long. I have had bra issues for over 40 years and bra shopping was always a WTF? kinda outing. Sizing never was consistent and finding the right one that fit well AND was comfortable was a fucking nightmare. I usually ended up buying the one that made me look the least like I was smuggling oranges in my shirt. Underwire bras seemed to look the best but...surprise...unyielding metal and soft breast tissue don't mix well for long and unhitching The Beast at night gave me an overwhelming feeling that this was what torture chamber victims felt like when released: pure heaven.

Read up...and it even has a clip on 3 surprising bra tricks that are pretty solid.

2) WORKER SMUGGLES GOLD UP HIS ASS

We have a saying here in Canada that describes someone who is rich: we say 'He's shittin' gold'.

Truer words have never been spoken.

Recently, a Royal Canadian Mint employee really DID shit gold, but it wasn't his to defecate. Well, 'insert then defecate' to be precise. It was stolen 'goods'. The courts found him to be a smuggler of 22 gold 'pucks' (coin-like ingots) valued at over $165,000.00 CND, over his 7 years on the job. They also found latex gloves and Vaseline in his locker... and I am pretty sure there must have been a copies of Spelunking Monthly (lots of articles on caves and cavernous spaces) and Digging For Gold Quarterly. WTF is wrong with people? Seriously. What an ass. Pun intended.

FULL ARTICLE HERE: SING TO THE TUNE OF 'GOLD FINGER!': GOLD SPHINCTER!

3) MOM IS LUNCH-SHAMED BY KINDY SCHOOL

You may or may not agree with me on this one but Hey!...I was this mom once, minus the note. My daughter was called the CandyMan because she had so many treats shoving her PBJ sandwich to the cramped lunchbox corner. But I believe kids should not be made to feel bad about their parents choices.

A mother of 8 healthy kids got this note from kid #7's kindergarten teacher after finding a piece of chocolate cake in the 3 yr old's lunchbox:

LINK to article

I know for a fact I would have sent a note back that looked something like this:

"Dear Miss Jones,

          Thank you for your concern about Katharina, but regarding your views on how I should pack her lunch...

Sincerely,

Denise, First of Her Name, Ruler of The Kitchen, Mother of the Five, Buyer of The Chocolate, Breeder of the Heathen Candy Mongers and Giver of No Fucks."

Having said this, had Katharina a mouth full of rotten teeth and the body of a large and somewhat sweaty Sumo Wrestler, the note would STILL be offensive, as I believe teachers (who I am a big fan of actually, my daughter being one) and parents should talk, not write notes like...well...kindergarteners.

4) RENT-A-FRIEND

Yes, you read that right. In Japan, there is a company who rents out 'agents' for about $35.00 an hour to be your friend and accompany you to weddings, or parties or just be props for selfies on Instagram or FB. They are there to be photo'd with you at your pleasure. Not in a sexy or kinky way (I don't think) but just a convenience and tool for people with no time to make friends. WTF is wrong with this picture? *metaphorically speaking...

And btw, WTF is up with this company's name 'Family Romance'? Eeewwww...

LINK to your new Discount Friend(s)

5) PRO PITCHER WANTS TO MAKE HIS RIB INTO JEWELRY

That was so stupid I could barely write it. But you can read it here: link

Minnesota Twins pitcher Phil Hughes had to have a rib removed  for ...blah...blah...blah and he wants to make the bone some type of jewelry by plating it with some precious metal.

1) Whothefuckis Phil Hughes and

2) what traumatic event happened to him as a child that he cannot bear to give up a piece of his body that he has  a) never seen before and b) cannot use...even as a hoe or shovel...or a toothpick. Or a bat. c) is organic and will rot/waste away eventually.

3) WTF is up with rich celebs wearing massive gold/silver bling anyway? Looks goofy enough without adding body pieces to it. *smh*

What next? Gold plated foreskin? Oy Vey!

But hey...who am I to tell anyone what to do with their bones. "HEY PHIL!! Can you snap off a couple of fingers? Bet the missus would like some earrings..."

6) HITLER HAD A RED PHONE

And this is it. One might say 'who cares?' but someone DID care enough to buy it at auction for over $240,000.00. A cool quarter mil. An anonymous bidder.

That is the interesting part. Who would want to buy such an evil tool of destruction? Apparently he used it to relay many of his most destructive orders...so, again, WTF? Who bought it? And also, why was it not melted into the shape of a toilet lid for some prison so it can bask in the fumes of nasty shitjuice for eternity?

There can only be 2 possibilities"
1) There is a jerkoff collector who wants to cuddle Everything Hitler or
2) Some mad scientist wants to collect the epithelials left behind in the recesses of the number holes from Hitler's fingers to create an 'Adolf Clone' the same crazyass way they did in Jurassic Park with the dinosaurs. Maybe even do a high tech, hybrid crossover experiment to create a Master Dino Race that eats only dissidents, Jews and gay gypsies...a Tyrant-asaurus Rex?

My money is on #2.

Here's the link.


7) RESTAURANT LEMONS ARE SHITNUGGETS

To wrap up what has turned out to be an unintentional shit themed blog piece this time around, let's talk about restaurant lemons. This study (link) of restaurant lemon wedges tested, found that 'a whopping 70% had microbial growths' and half of them had traces of feces on them. Feces, also known as: kaka, poop...or crap. As in "CRAP! I just ate the lemon in my club soda at Boston Pizza...nooooo!"

So, best to forget the lemon wedges when you eat out, or you may be chewing on this...

*NOTE TO SELF: Never Google images for microbial growths again. EVER.

I have learned a lot today. Hope you did too. Sorry for ruining your lemony desires, but hey you STILL can eat them...just make sure to scrub them with bleach and a blowtorch beforehand.

I certainly will.

**

THINGS THAT MAKE ME GO WTF?: The Unbearable Oddness of Being Part 5

Humans.

Ya gotta love'm. Here are some reasons why we are so interesting (or not):

1) CANADA'S CRAZY FROZEN HAIR COMPETITION

As a fellow Canadian, there really isn't all that much to say except, WTF, eh?

2) INTERNET ENABLED DOLLS: PERV PLAYGROUND

The opening lines of this article are all you need to know before you say WTF? and whack the shit out of that doll with a sharp axe and torch it with your Bic:

     "There's a toy in your daughter's bed that is taking in your nighttime stories, transmitting her every giggle, listening to her every breath.

And possibly talking back to her."

Modern technology...yes, the dark side just got a whole lot darker.

*see the whole article here: If your child has this doll....

3) DOUBLE BUBBLE TROUBLE

Thirty-five years (yes, 35) after a man killed the mother of his two children, DNA taken from the wad of gum he chewed to secure the lock in the room he used to dump the body proved he was the murder.

Wtf? Are you telling me that old dried spit can convict a man after 3 decades? Well holyshitballsMcGuyver! Gotta love modern technology! *high fives science*

CHEWING GUM CAPER: CLICK HERE TO SEE SLIDESHOW

4) KYRIE IRVING BELIEVES THE EARTH IS FLAT

Basketball dude thinks only balls are round and the earth is flat... and it makes headline news? WTF? Don't know who he is or what he's smoking (or in this case, what paint he's sniffing) but 

a) who the fuck cares and

b) who the fuck cares.

Maybe he will jump off the edge someday. THAT would be news.

slideshow and story: here

5) SNUGGIES TAKEN TO COURT

Are Snuggies clothes or a blanket? Apparently it is question so important it had to be settled in court. Leave the crime and social injustices on the back burner and get to the bottom of REAL issues! WTF are Snuggies? Gotta be some company trying to dodge taxes, I guess. Too disgusted to finish the piece...

6) WOMAN GETS DIVA-COOK NOTE ON PIZZA

This is reported as a light piece but all I could think of was that poor woman in stunned disbelief: "WTF? I ordered supper and was looking forward to eating and watching my favorite show in 10 minutes and BANG! some snobby fucktard Chef-wannabe ruins my night." *breaks down sobbing*

Over-reaction? Perhaps. But WTF is up with this Sauce Jockey pretending to be such a connoisseur of fine foods that he can't lower himself to such a level as to destroy his work of edible art with ...GASP!...pineapples! I would be beyond pissed.

*facepalm*

7) HUGH GRANT'S DOPPLEGANGER

I happened upon an moldie oldie song from my youth on YouTube and thought 'Man, I LOVE this song but who sang it again?' Like a lot of kids in my day, radios were the thing and who had a color TV or pictures of our favorite groups? Apparently not I.

SO...seeing Tommy James & The Shondells for the first time singing 'Crimson and Clover' blew me away, but not because of the great memories, but because Tommy must be Hugh Grant's grandpa.

Enjoy the clip and my 'WTF? Dat you Hugh?' moment!

You see it?↓

CLIP

That's it for now...back soon with more of my more interesting WTF? moments. Lord knows they are easy to find. In fact, they find ME.

**

OUTLANDER FANDOMS: TOP 5 WEBSITES TO VISIT FOR THE ADDICTED

Whether you are a green behind the ears newbie in the ranks of the amazing fandom that is Outlander, or a Weathered & Salty Old-Timer who can recite every romantic word Jamie has ever uttered...verbatim, you'll love this collection of links! They are my favorite GO-TO places for Everything Outlander: click on the numbered headings...they are the links. 

And...come join us on Outlander Series (OS), the biggest and best Outlander FaceBook fan group on the net! *click here 

1) DIANA'S WEBSITE

All the latest poop straight from the horse's mouth. Updated news and loads of places to click onto for interesting facts like: Diana's personal story; her list of appearances to come; her Blog; Fan Art; Outlander Based Tours in Scotland etc... and of course, the books and show info. #1 place for the Obsessed or nearly-obsessed to visit. Bring a snack... or two. You'll be here a while.

2) OUTLANDER LISTS & TIMELINES:

OMG. The only thing this site doesn't have is popcorn. Seriously...there is so much info here it's scary.  For 2 quick examples, under the heading PEOPLE, it has a sub-category titled GROUPINGS that has the book characters grouped in things like 'green eyes', missing body parts, homosexual, red hair, religious figures, Time Travelers... etc... Under the heading ARTS&MUSIC there is a sub-heading titled PAINTINGS, it lists and explains every single picture your read about in the books. I was gobsmacked when I discovered this site and my gob rarely smacks! Bloody awesome!

Tons to read and it even has a synopsis for every book. Must see. Bring a snack and bottle of wine. And a tent. You aren't going anywhere else.

3) THE OUTLANDER PODCAST

These ladies have fun talking about Outlander and its fun to hear others views and reviews in an audio form. Not fond of the ads at first but they are a necessary evil so just plug your ears if you want *smirk*. I like the two ladies who host the show, Summer and Ginger and despite that sounding like a stripper act, these gals are relaxed and informative and obviously are having fun. It feels like your sitting back in a comfy couch in a book club living room and listening to your buddies go on and on...but in a good way.

Wear your sweat pants and have cheese, crackers and something liquidy on the ready.

4) STARZ OUTLANDER

Obviously, this is the home of the Outlander tv show, but it is a great place for many things like cast info and episode info...but I go there for the photos. Professional stills...lovem'!

5) OUTLANDER FAN VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE

These are the peanuts of Outlander Fandom...hard to stop at only one, and I suggest you only attempt to make a dent in them if you are off work and alone at home, because the world will cease to exist when you start checking them out. Some damn fine videography here and there that is a pleasure to watch. And some are not so professional, but still fun to watch.

Bring coffee and Bailey's... yummy time.

Again, these are just my personal favorites and you can certainly find a LOT more...but I wanted to share nonetheless. AND, I would have to make a #6 to complete the list actually...this blog...it has a lot of fun and controversial Outlander pieces, 3 of which have been re-posted by Diana on her site...and my popular Outlanderized Cartoons, and Outlander memes..take a look around. Write Outlander in the search bar or look at the word cloud. *smile*

Cheers!

'GHOSTLANDER': OUTLANDER'S TOP 20 AUDITIONS FOR 'JAMIE'S GHOST'! *true and not at all fake

There has been a massive, worldwide search by Starz Outlander producer Ron Moore for an actor to play the role of 'Jamie's Ghost', and he was literally swamped with applications.

By request from Ron personally, I, as admin on the largest Outlander Facebook group 'OUTLANDER SERIES (OS click to come and join the fun!) will post the TOP 20 auditions sent in by hopeful ghosts looking for their big break.

To vote for YOUR favorite Jamie's Ghost on Twitter got to #JAMMFGhost or phone 1-800-GHOSTLANDER, extension 1743 and ask for Mimi. *regular readers will understand why Mimi is so important

THE AUDITIONS:

Kim Kardashian

Jim Carrey

Sir Alec Guiness

Betty White

Ghost of Christmas Past

Chris Rock

Rex Harrison

Neil Patrick Harris

Julian Assange

Conan O'Brien

Tom Hanks

Tom Hanks  Call-Back (he is SO versatile!)

Danny DeVito

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Ellen

 Yoda (Vader and Kenobi there for support)

John Cleese

Viggo Mortensen

The Duggar Kids

Jack Nicholson

AND MY PERSONAL CHOICE: Patrick Swayze 💗

Auditions are now closed and the lucky chosen ghost will be announced soon! Ghosts can be feisty, depending how they died, so, to ensure cooperation and the safety of all the main actors, Starz has hired a team of Paranormal Experts to deal with anything 'situations'...

Whoyagonnacall?

GHOSTLANDER McBUSTERS

Stay tuned...

***

OUTLANDER: SHOULD JAMIE BE ALLOWED TO GO BALD? Why the Hell not?

Things are thinning over at Outlander STARZ, and it isn't the plot or Diana's patience.

Jamie is going bald!

Well, to be clear, it's Sam Heughan that is balding, not his character. Jamie seems to be having a record harvest of luscious locks. See the 2 pictures below for comparison:

"So what?" you may ask.

So what indeed.

I guess my issue is...why not let him go au-natural and BE bald, if that is what he is? Why the cover-up? Is it because the books have Jamie thick-haired, with waves of red testosterone flowing in the wind as he rides to save someone or something off in the distance? Is that it? They don't want to deviate from the books?

Excuse me for a minute. My best friend Ewan McGregor is over for tea and poppy seed crumpets. Let me ask him what he thinks about that...

Exactly my reaction as well.

So...if Starz are fine with deviations, and if Claire Randall Fraser can be 6 feet tall with blue eyes, a 16 yr olds ass and a few grey streaks, why can't Jamie age like many men do...and go bald? Sam has had to endure some fairly ugly wigs thus far and I would bet he'd love to burn them all. I know I would.

Is it that bald isn't sexy? Says who? This is 2017 people.... bald is badass! Let's see a few examples of some virile, sexy and manly men that don't need a melon-rug...

Sean Connery

Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson

Patrick Stewart

Billy Zane

Graham McTavish

 Andre Agassi

Yul Brynner

and the sexiest of all...my husband:

Don't you think then, that this is an opportunity?

Maybe this would be a good time to help make balding more accepted...as we still see stupid commercials that make it seems like an embarrassing and shameful thing that men should go through expensive and probably painful transplants to 'fix', or 'hide' like this dumbass commercial suggests:

Come on Sam! You have a Cause already, fighting weight and exercise issues...why not take on male pattern baldness?

I have a feeling a LOT of women, and men, would be affected and educated and swayed... and what a wonderful way to embrace an issue not often talked about!

Be brave! Be Jamie!

And if you can't be Jamie, be Willy The Groundskeeper! He is a bald Scotsman ya gotta love!

And that's all I have to say about that.

**

ADDED:

There seems to be a backlash from fans who balk at the thought of a bald older Jamie. I find that an amazing Double Standard! The cry of 'Jamie isn't bald in the books so NO WAY!' and 'God nooooooo! He has a lot of hair in the books...!' ring loud and clear, but Caitriona (who, as I said before, is very tall, very slim, blue-eyed and has the ass of a 16 yr old) looks nothing like BookClaire (who is short, golden-yellow eyed, buxom with a fine fat arse) but fans just say 'She looks fine...she makes a great Claire! Her looks don't matter because she portrays her perfectly!'.

Can we all say 'hypocrite'? Why can Cait play an '*imperfect' Claire but Sam not play an 'imperfect' Jamie?
*imperfect for book-look-a-likes

Although I agree that Cait should be given leeway to be herself and just ACT like Claire...I believe Sam should be given the same consideration. No glued on, uncomfortable, hot'n'sweaty wigs that look like electrocuted foxes for him....but good-looking natural Sam ACTING like Jamie.

Now, THAT is all I have to say about that.

***

OUTLANDER: The Great 'Jamie's Ghost says "MINE" ' Debate! THE TRUTH REVEALED!

Finally!

A leaked file from STARZ has given answer to an old Outlander mystery!

THE DOGGED QUESTION AT HAND: Does Jamie's ghost say 'Mine' just before Frank eagerly explores the, apparently, irresistible tongue-magnet that is Claire's nether regions?

*Men have been known to name their penises...names like Dick or Rod, so let's name Claire's lady bits too, for the sake of convenience. How about 'Mimi'? Apologies to all humanoid Mimi's, but it just fits somehow.

*shrug*

Both Frank and Jamie cannot seem to get enough of Claire's Mimi whether it's offered for breakfast OR lunch (which leads me to believe that Time Travel somehow magically transforms this usually malodorous area into a fragrant and decidedly popular lollipop-like treat).

Believers swear that Jamie says 'MINE' at the 10 second mark (see clip below) ...BUT if one looks and listens VERY closely, one will see that the very second Frank pushes in for a kiss, it is Mimi who whispers breathlessly for the legs to spread 'WIDE'. That girl is giving the orders!

The word we hear...is WIDE, not MINE! Listen closely:

Yes, the voice is husky and full of lusty need, but, so is Diana's.

Nuff said'.

Others are positive that the ethereal word being sighed in the wind really IS 'MINE', but from the kid's movie  'Nemo', edited and being played at an extremely slow RPM. Here is the original:

I think not. But that is my personal opinion.

Yet others say the voice is Claire's subconscious crying out for,

you got it...

WINE!

But whatever YOU believe is fine with me. Let's just all agree that Mimi's

well-being is the ONLY important issue in this Table Top Tongue Tennis scene, okay?

Alright.

Good stuff.

*

THE 10 LEAKED OUTLANDER S3 VIDEO TAPES (DELETED SCENES): The Not-so-subtle Aging of Jamie & Claire!

The newly leaked 'THE MAKING OF S3: GEEZERLANDER' tapes are going viral and we have a copy! THESE ARE THE DELETED SCENES FROM VARIOUS EPISODES THAT RON WAS OBVIOULSY EXPERIMENTING WITH...
*NOTE: Starz has countered this massive leak by posting them willy nilly all over YouTube, labeling them nonsense things like 'Elderly Couple Do Magic Tricks' or whatever just to throw people off, and they say it isn't Outlander at all...but WE know BETTER! 

You'll see Sam and Caitriona undergo amazing make-up applications that took hours to perfect, and body-shaping prosthetics were brilliantly manipulated to make them look natural and OH SO REAL! You will see them look quite different from tape to tape but this is only due to their experimenting with different looks/ages etc...

And even though it will be hard to believe, I swear on the grave of my uncle's brother's sister's chiropractor's first cousin that these are authentic. But to be certain, I asked Diana to meet me for lunch and while we ate our quesadillas in a yellow submarine underwater in the West Edmonton Mall with her husband, their 6 dogs and their lawyer Bernie, she verified the following as THE true leaked tapes...and she was glad her fans will see how Off-Book the scripts were with Jamie and Claire traveling through The Stones, etc..., and why she worked so hard with Bernie to have these scenes deleted!

Let's see what crazyass ideas Ron had...and how Jamie and Claire have wrestled Father Time in Season 3:

1) In their 60's, Jamie and Claire try something new after a dare from their grandkids. Yes, they wore Attends adult diapers: 

2) Jamie and Claire are 'discovered' and do a commercial. Jamie is still nervous around the 'magic of technology 'and fumbles his lines ...

3) They keep their great sense of humour with the WOOGIE BOOGIE MAGIC PENNY TRICK:

4) Jamie & Claire do the BOOGIE WOOGIE! They go through The Stones and Live in The Netherlands in this episode...or it could be Belgium. Or The Bronx.

5) Here we see Jamie and Claire entertaining the folks at a 'New Age Cèilidh' after years of making beautiful music together...

6) Bree and Roger give Jamie and Claire a computer for a gift; this is them trying to figure out how to use it:

7) Jamie driving:

8) Claire enters 'Britain's Got Talent' with her grandson Ian 'Nico' Murray VI (who is 6'9' tall, and that is why Claire looks short):
*NOTE: Jamie pops back stage after the show and boots Simon Cowell in the nutsack for condescendingly insulting his wife at the start of the show

 *Note: Attends were called for here as well...but for the judges and audiences, not Claire

9) Similar to#5, this is Claire and Jamie trying to send their great-grand son Avigdor Spartacus MacKenzie (their parents are huge fans of 'The Bird Cage') a birthday picture online:

10) And finally, Starz pretended to up make a commercial out of this Geezerlander scene...but like I said before...WE know better:

SO? Whadyathink?

I thought they overdid the lipstick now and then but otherwise, my favorite look was this last one at the end... so J&C. How about you? Hope you enjoyed this contraband collection of tapes and please...keep it quiet! I don't want to get into trouble for showing you these. Thanks.