OUTLANDER INSPIRED: THINGS TARTAN (*NOT PLAID, okay?)

In honor of OUTLANDER, a series of books by a woman who has single-handedly made kilts an aphrodisiac and Scottish history more entertaining than a Soap Opera, I give to you THINGS TARTAN (*NOT PLAID, okay?). An eclectic collection of that amazingly versatile and eye-catching artistry.

I was once told the only difference between the words plaid and tartan was that one rhymed with ‘dad’. Incorrect! TRUTH: plaid is a garment, tartan is a pattern. Memorize this fact and WOW any and all who say otherwise.

So, without further ado, here is my collection, inspired by my passion and appreciation of Everything Scottish made real by the imagination, skilled wordsmithery (yes, I can make up words…it’s my blog) and plain old great writing of Herself. 

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  To begin, here is a wee, 6 inch cardboard cutout 'Pocket Jamie'...a must-have for any Outlander Fan. 6 inches is just fine.

And now, random entries:

OH CANADA!

Hermione!!

Ageless Sean Connery!

Scottish Ninja Team:

The Royals!

Ouch...huge tat!

Haaaa!!!!!!

 

THE OUTLANDER CHERRY NIPPLE CLUB

 **WELCOME!**

I have founded the ‘Outlander Cherry Nipple Club™’ in honor of our beloved author, Diana Gabaldon, and her brilliant series of novels based in many regions…namely the highlands of Scotland, various areas of Europe and the nether regions of any woman who reads the books.

The name of this club is derived from the titillating terminology used to describe the quality of Claire Beauchamp Fraser’s dessert-like nipples. Eroticism and food imagery...a match made in heaven. Indeed, after reading these books, I cannot walk past the maraschinos in an ice-cream parlor without wanting to breast feed the nearest male (and I'm not even lactating).

I believe that good books are like good meals: tasty and satisfying. They can be hollow and full of empty calories, but, as in the Outlander series, they can be delicious and good for you…offering you helpings in every basic food group and helping to keep you healthy:

First, Outlander books give you MEAT and NUTS : meaty romance that it. Manly men in kilts and one in particular, named Jamie Fraser, who makes every woman who reads about him want to move to Scotland and dye their husband’s hair red. *The nuts I refer to come in various forms and sizes and I mean minor characters like Angus and Rupert, not the ones YOU are thinking! You wee naughty thing you!

Then there is the BREAD and PASTA allowances: Okay. I admit, I am stumped with the bread metaphor but the story is based on Time Travel, going from the FUTURE to the PASTa. That’s all you are getting from me here. Move on.

OILS are mainly represented in the VIRGIN section of the story (virgin oil, get it? C'mon...cut me some slack, eh?) the most important one being Jamie in Book One.  Inexperienced men are usually a dull affair indeed and best avoided like malfunctioning vibrators or warm beer, but our innocent Scotsman has put the ACHING in teaching and the SIZE in fantasize.

The MILK group is covered here and there with all the babes and cows about, and especially with Jenny's BoobJuice In'a Cup scene (in the show), but not as arousing as others because, well, in my case, as a mother of twins, the memory of nursing two at a time still makes me feels like a linebacker carrying two footballs in for a touchdown. But heaving jugs may turn others on so I will not judge.

VEGETABLES are easily covered with the plethora of rolling green hills and verdure landscapes written so richly that you can smell the lovingly tended gardens and rich meals cooked in the kitchens of Lallybroch, but not once is a vegetable used in an erotic manner and that, is a missed opportunity indeed. One might suggest to Diana that cucumbers are not just for salads anymore. So I have heard. *suggested side reading below:

Then comes our main food group and the reason for this club FRUITS:

I vow to make it my life’s work to find every mention of these sexy and oh-so enviable hard, round, ripe and imminently suckable cherry nipples in all of the Outlander books (a  few, 3, are seen in my meme above, top of page). Very few fruits have given me so much o̶r̶g̶a̶s̶m̶i̶c̶ organic visualizations, including bananas, and I will be forever in Diana’s debt (as will The CPoA Cherry Pickers of America) for stamping this image so firmly in my mind’s eye and making them the Sexy Fruit of the Century and so deserving of a club of their own.
**NOTE TO SELF: NEVER, EVER GOOGLE 'SEXY CHERRIES' AGAIN. *yikes*

If I have missed any section of the food guide I beg your pardon, but I am a writer, not a dietician.

This, my friends, is why I am not addicted to chocolate, but to the Outlander Series. The books are my McFull Meal Deal. **and if you have a ‘Pocket Jamie', then it even comes with a toy.
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**shout out to the Outlander Series forum on Face Book! Biggest. Best.Group.Ever. Come join us...we have contests too!

OLYMPIC GOLD: Coffee, Popcorn and Pajama Bottoms

CANADA vs SWEDEN FOR OLYMPIC GOLD 2014 in SOCHI

My new small town won my heart today. Well...actually, this morning...at 4:00 a.m. to be precise.

Hope BC, Canada. Wee town 2 hours from Vancouver. Not much happens after 10:00 p.m. and they roll the streets up at 11:00.

But on Feb 23 2014 the word went out: the local theater was opening its doors at 3:30 a.m. and game time was at 4:00. I wondered if anyone would show so early, but my 14 yr old daughter Katharina and I thought we'd brave it nonetheless. We are night owls. We could do a 2 man wave if (I mean WHEN) we scored.

 But rounding the cold winter corner, the streets were jammed with cars and over 250 people, some from a half hour away, packed the lovely wee pink, black and decidedly nostalgic movie house. My chest almost burst with patriotic pride!

I have never, in my 50+ years, been to a theater for anything other than a movie, so this was a treat for me on many levels, but sharing it with my daughter, who was never into hockey all that much, was the biggest bonus of all. What a way to introduce the game; giant screen and the world's best players...and popcorn!

Hot coffee, muffins and concession food. And hockey. Hard combo to beat.

So it was, that the largest collection of people with bed hair and morning breath I had ever witnessed, shared the amazing Men's Olympic Gold Medal Game with me and my awestruck daughter (who was mostly impressed with being allowed to eat Sour Peach Candy and drink caffeinated coffee for breakfast, to be honest).

Here is the Youtube clip of our gang * Katja and I are the dark blurred pair on the left (for a brief second at the 0:20 minute mark). Canada Wins Gold-Reaction at Hope Cinema

The ONLY down side to this day was wondering why this didn't happen for the Canadian Women's Gold Medal Game? They won first and gave our guys inspiration and competition for excellence...they deserved a crowded hall of crusty-eyed admirers too...

 YAY CANADA! We are...*head falls on table and snoring begins*

GAME OF THRONES: Are you a Coinie?

I wrote this piece on January 2 2014 for my comrades on a great Face Book page called GAME OF THRONES FORUM *spoilers welcomed It is a Game of Thrones fan page where we all discuss/enlighten/argue/fight/share ideas and opinions about the HBO mega-hit. Beware...there be spoilers aplenty!

This was my attempt to put us in fun, identifiable groups:

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For the NEWBIES (and Oldies to): *this is an personal opinion-post for those who wish to suckle at the teat of my Gandalf-like wisdom:

There are 3 types of Game of Thrones fans. They each have their own way of handling the ever-increasing deviations from the book that HBO are creating. I hope this list helps you face the oft times confusing posts on the forum that talk about various characters and events that may have only been in the books, only in the show or only in the time/expense conscious minds of D&D (David Benioff and D. B. Weiss)…and I hope it shows you that you are not alone.

1) Die Hard Book Fans (let’s call them Bookies): These loyalists loathe the increasing liberties D&D are taking with GRRM’s books and in consideration to the possibility that GRRM won’t keep up with the HBO series, vow not to watch the future shows that deal with unpublished sequels, even if it means years of waiting. *THEY HAVE THE PATIENCE OF A SAINT AND, OBVIOUSLY, A LIFE OUTSIDE THIS FORUM. HOW SAD.

2) Die Hard TV Fans (let’s call them HBOers): They either have read the books and could care less if HBO stays true to the word, or they refuse to read the books and are quite happy to just watch the show as is. Bring it on HBO. *THEY ARE IN IT FOR THE SEX SCENES. AND THE IMP. HOW SAD.

3) Coin Collectors (let’s call them Coinies): This fan base loves the books and the shows…not necessarily equally, but enough to have separated the books from the show and have decided to view them as two separate entities: two different sides of the same coin. They will enjoy the show with all its deviations, changes and character-blending and consider them the same way a fan of alternate-ending books /movies does…with a keen curiosity on how things will turn out on that side of the coin, but still eagerly awaiting the books to see how the real story plays out and ends on the true side of the coin. *THEY ARE BISEXUAL, BIPOLAR, BIODEGRADABLE AND RIDE BI-CYCLES. HOW SAD.

I am sure there are hybrids of this list but in general, these groups all play and suffer well together on this forum. Feel free to label yourself as you please.

I am a Coinie. Which are you?